He Wasn’t Sent There to Be the Maine Man

Here’s hoping that David Facey, a sportswriter for the Sun of London, has an easier time getting home from the Masters than he did getting to the tournament at Augusta, Ga.

En route from Manchester, England, Facey traveled through eight airports, making a wrong turn in Boston, where he boarded a small twin-prop headed for Augusta. Augusta, Maine, that is.

He knew something was amiss when the plane made its scheduled first stop in Rockland, Maine, and he saw snow on the ground.

“I didn’t know there were so many Augustas,” Facey told the Boston Globe. “And I didn’t know winter was still going on. When the plane emptied and I was the only one on it, I leaned into the cockpit and said to the pilots, ‘I know the answer to this already, but we’re not in Kansas, are we, Toto?’ ”

Bad to worse: After hitching a ride to nearby Portland so he could catch a morning flight to Georgia, Facey called his newspaper to book him a hotel room in Portland.

Upon arrival, he learned that he indeed had lodging in Portland

Trivia time: What NBA expansion team qualified for the playoffs in its first season?

Don’t be cruel: Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on the motley crew that threatened to upstage Saturday’s rally to protest Augusta National’s male-only membership policy: “An Elvis impersonator showed up, of course. Scientists say that after the nuclear holocaust, the only surviving life form on Earth will be the Elvis impersonator.”

Celluloid zero: Wrote Dan Le Batard of the Miami Herald on the baseball Hall of Fame’s decision to cancel a 15-year anniversary celebration of “Bull Durham,” starring Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, because of the couple’s antiwar stance:

“There hasn’t been news this bad in the Robbins-Sarandon household since Robbins appeared in ‘Howard the Duck.’ ”

He’ll go with Mo: Wrote Bruce Jenkins of the San Francisco Chronicle after TNT’s “Inside the NBA” panel named a number of worthy candidates for coach of the year, among them Don Nelson, Eric Musselman and Byron Scott:

“They forgot No. 1: Portland’s Maurice Cheeks. A man of high integrity, Cheeks led a bunch of frauds and drug-sodden thugs into the playoffs with plenty of room to spare.”

Poetic license: Of the news that the Minnesota Timberwolves are promoting Kevin Garnett by mailing out license plates that read KG4-MVP, Brad Rock of the Deseret News in Salt Lake City wrote: “I understand the Blazers are considering a plate of their own: GOTBAIL?”

Weighty issue: Jeff Schultz of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, on the poor start by the ace of the Braves’ pitching staff: “One more loss and Greg Maddux might have to swear off jelly doughnuts for his off-season training regimen.”

Trivia answer: The Chicago Bulls, who in 1967 were swept by the St. Louis Hawks in a first-round playoff series.

And finally: Arizona first baseman Mark Grace, to Fox Sports Net, on his waning career: “I am definitely on the back nine. I am at 18, and I have just shoved it out of bounds.”

-- Jerry Crowe