Next on Jerry Springer: A host of campaign ideas

Jerry Springer wants you -- if not as a guest on his no-holds-barred daytime talk show, then as a supporter of his potential run for the U.S. Senate in Ohio.

The host announced late last month that he is considering a campaign to become the Democratic challenger to Republican incumbent George Voinovich -- the second time in four years that Springer, the mayor of Cincinnati more than two decades ago, has said he’d like to be a senator.

Though Springer says he will wait till summer to decide, we think now is a good time to build a campaign platform.

Based on recent shows, which can be seen on KTLA at 10 a.m. weekdays, here are some modest proposals for key planks:

* Jerry will strengthen our nation’s security by stationing bouncers wearing black shirts, jeans and headsets at all border crossings.

* Jerry will foster political reform by instituting the “one tooth, one vote” doctrine.

* Jerry supports a woman’s right to choose -- whether to spend the rest of her life with her good-for-nothing husband, her transsexual male lover or her male lover’s stripper mistress.

* Jerry puts families first. Marriage is a sacred institution that should not be shared with “outsiders” such as people you meet through dating.

* Jerry endorses affordable health care for everyone, including universal benefits for paternity tests, stomach stapling, tattoo removal and “startling make-overs.”

* Jerry pledges to make safe, secure housing affordable by giving homeowners extra-strong ropes with which to lash down their double-wide trailers.

* Jerry backs Hollywood in its efforts to make responsible entertainment. Audiences should be shielded from wanton depictions of sex, violence and profanity. Unless, that is, they order the totally uncensored pay-per-view special “Jerry Springer: Bad Boys and Naughty Girls.”