Getting a Lock on Secrecy

The CIA has issued a plea for locksmiths. Seriously. The Central Intelligence Agency of the United States of America wants to hire a bunch of locksmiths, who must pass stringent physical and security tests including a polygraph exam. (Have you ever broken into a friend’s house just for fun?) Why do you suppose national security requires a squadron of American locksmiths to forsake their vans and lucrative business of lock-changing after divorces to move to the nation’s capital and go underground?

Has something been stolen? Or does it need to be? Or maybe someone forgot the headquarters combination. According to the department’s Web site, “The Central Intelligence Agency is seeking Locksmiths to work with the best minds in the country while performing a mission critical to our nation.”

A mission critical to the nation? We know it’s a very important mission because they capitalized Locksmiths. But what mission? How many Locksmiths are needed? Will they leave sawdust and scratch the front door? It’s all secret, of course. Sets your mind to wondering, doesn’t it? That’s what’s so delicious about secrecy. You want it because you can’t have it, even though you haven’t a clue what it is. We joke about curious cats getting into trouble. Then we do the same things. So we’re left to dissect the CIA’s ad and speculate on Locksmith spies’ secret assignments. Opening co-workers’ offices? Sneaking into suburban Washington pizza parlors after hours? Lifting bikes from foreign embassies?

The job requires skills with still photography, video enhancement, coding and decoding devices, making new locks from scratch, excellent writing, teamwork and satellite communications. Overseas travel is required. As is U.S. citizenship. Knowledge of electricity, alarms and safe-locking helpful. No mention of ability to run fast.

This locksmith hiring could actually be very encouraging. It would be a nice change to have some common sense from outside Washington hired to work there. For a long while the Central Intelligence Agency has seemed replete with diplomas and elite D.C. wonks without tons of that middle word in the agency’s name. The recent slip over attempted Iraqi nuclear materiel purchases that weren’t is one example. So is not getting suspicious when a government employee earns maybe $60,000 and shows up at work in a $100,000 car. Then there was the notorious Bay of Pigs invasion when CIA recruiters promised Cuban exiles full U.S. backing but in the end forgot about it.

Another question lingers: What’s the cover story for a suburban Washington locksmith driving an Evergreen Plumbing van into Iran loaded with mini-cameras, satellite gear and decoding devices? Can’t tell you. It’s a secret.