It’s time to play the dating game

It all comes down to this ...

Announcer: Good evening. Welcome to “The Gubernatorial Dating Game.” Let’s meet our contestants. And heeeeere they are. (Cue Herb Alpert & Tijuana Brass music.) Bachelor No. 1 is a cigar-puffing former Mr. Universe whose hobbies are time travel, running over small cities with his Humvee and playfully fondling women’s buttocks. Please welcome Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Bachelor No. 2 is a pencil-necked New York transplant who has enough hairspray in his freakishly immovable hairdo to destroy the ozone layer. His hobbies include raising taxes, throwing ashtrays at subordinates and selling legislation to the highest bidder on Ebay. Meet Alleged Gov. Gray Davis.

Our third bachelor, Cruz Bustamante, who sits on the California State University board of trustees and recently earned his college degree from Fresno State by getting credit for classes he never actually attended, couldn’t make it tonight because he’s now working on his PhD.

Now let’s bring out our bachelorette. She’s a sun-kissed blond who loves yoga, hot tubs and watching police chases on TV. Give a big hand to Miss California!

OK, let’s begin. Miss California, your first question, please.

California (giggles): All right. Bachelor No. 2, you find out one day that I’ve used the MasterCard to run up a $38-billion debt at Nordstrom. How do you react?

Davis: Well, obviously your revenue shortfall was caused by Bush administration policies. I would raid your 401(k) and savings to pay off the balance and let you keep spending.

California: Bachelor No. 1, where would you take me on our first date?

Schwarzenegger: Let me tell you, I have a fantastic plan for our first date. Trust me.

California: Bachelor No. 2, same question.

Davis: We’d have dinner by candlelight -- because of rolling blackouts -- followed by some scintillating conversation about Mello-Roos financing and infrastructure.

California: And afterward, would you take me back to your place?

Davis: I’m afraid not. This would be a fund-raising dinner, so afterward, I’d be too busy groping the other guests for campaign donations.

California: Bachelor No. 1, I love the outdoors. Do you?

Schwarzenegger: I have a fantastic plan for the environment. Trust me.

California: Bachelor No. 2, if you were ice cream, what flavor would you be?

Davis: Let me check with my pollsters.

California: Bachelor No. 1, how do you feel about workers’ comp legislation and illegal immigration?

Schwarzenegger spokesman Sean Walsh: I’m sorry, Bachelor No. 1 won’t be taking any more questions at this time.

Announcer: OK, Miss California, it’s time to choose. Will it be Bachelor No. 1 or Bachelor No. 2?

California: Bachelor No. 1!!

Announcer: That’s Mr. Schwarzenegger. Tell us, how did you decide?

California: Oh, I realize Bachelor No. 1 didn’t say a lot, but I like a little mystery in a guy. Bachelor No. 2 sounded like every other creep I’ve ever dated.

Quote of the day

From Democratic hatchet man Bob Mulholland, trying to put a pro-Davis spin on the fact that Schwarzenegger drew 10,000 people to his Sacramento rally (whereas Davis’ Long Beach rally attracted 35 people): “He [Schwarzenegger] doesn’t draw as big a crowd as Hitler did.”

More headline woes

Pepperdine professor Doug Swartzendruber has offered to run for lieutenant governor if Schwarzenegger wins, just so Californians can vote for a Schwarzenegger-Swartzendruber ticket.

Late-night blotter

“Gray Davis said he had nothing to do with those stories coming out about Arnold. And if they don’t hurt Arnold in the polls, he’ll have nothing to do with the next two stories coming out either.” (Jay Leno)

“This woman who claims Arnold groped her 30 years ago is now coming forward. Thirty years ago -- or as the L.A. Times calls it, breaking news!” (Leno)

“In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies.” (Conan O’Brien)

“Bustamante just got his bachelor’s degree from Fresno State this year. And, like most college grads, his prospects look bleak. He may have to move back in with the folks.” (Leno)

“Californians are getting desperate. If Arnold can’t change things, then they’re going to turn it over to Iraqi rule.” (David Letterman)

“After Tuesday, the election will be over and all this recall stuff will be behind us. And the most embarrassing thing about California will once again be the San Diego Chargers.” (Leno)

Senior advisors: Fresno Bee, L.A. Daily News, New York Times, Karen Martin, prestopundit.com. E-mail roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. View past columns at www.latimes.com/recallmadness.