He won’t talk? Blame biology

Last summer, my golf game deteriorated from sloppy to just plain inept. One afternoon, after making yet another dreadful shot, I grabbed my eight iron by both ends and bent it in frustration. Snap! It took weeks for me to mention the incident to my wife. Not only did I feel like a jerk for destroying the golf club, but the extreme act brought up old, depressing doubts I’ve always had about my athletic ability. And I didn’t feel like talking about it.

But isn’t today’s sensitive man supposed to express his feelings? And wasn’t breaking a golf club a sign that I need my head examined? Or could it be that there’s something unique about the male brain that made me act this way?

Yes to that last question, says family therapist Michael Gurian, who believes it was perfectly natural for me to keep my thoughts to myself. What’s more, he says, busting my golf club because I was angry wasn’t evidence that I had lost my marbles. Rather, Gurian says, it was a “very healthy response.”

Gurian is the author of “What Could He Be Thinking? How a Man’s Mind Really Works” (St. Martin’s Press, 2003). Best known for several earlier books, including “The Wonder of Boys” and “The Wonder of Girls” -- in which he explored how biological differences between the male and female brains influence childhood behavior -- Gurian has turned his attention to grown-ups, saying that understanding the inner workings of the male mind can help couples live in harmony.

Gurian explained that when men become angry, an “explosion of energy” occurs in the limbic system, the portion of the brain that creates rage, fear and aggression. He notes that males have large volumes of spinal fluid in the brain stem, which is the link between cerebral tissue and the spinal cord. “That makes us use our physical bodies to process emotion,” says Gurian, because spinal fluid channels energy to the limbs.

“You had a neural surge,” he says of my golf-club incident. “You had to do something with it. So you took an inanimate object and you broke it. And you felt a lot better.”

I’ll bet most men know just what Gurian is talking about. Have you ever found a problem so maddening you kicked the wall or pounded your fists? Doesn’t a vigorous workout feel great after a frustrating day at the office?

Women have less spinal fluid in the brain stem than men, says Gurian, but they possess bigger, better developed bundles of nerves that connect brain regions that create emotions to other areas that produce speech. That’s why, he says, women are more comfortable than men talking about their feelings. In fact, Gurian’s book describes 10 ways in which men and women differ between the ears -- including the size of certain brain structures and levels of critical hormones -- that explain why men often clam up when they’re angry, but women often can’t stop talking.

Which is why women who try to get an enraged or stressed-out man to say what’s bugging him may be wasting their breath, Gurian says. “It’s not possible for the majority of men, neurochemically, to open up about their feelings the way a lot of women think they should,” he says. Gurian believes that psychotherapists -- marriage therapists, in particular -- have long ignored the role of brain biology, operating with the mistaken belief that getting men to express their innermost angst will save relationships.

“That’s just not the case,” Gurian says. “Marriage does not depend on men talking about their feelings as much as women want them to.”

He believes that most women feel liberated once they embrace the idea that their husbands or boyfriends don’t -- or can’t -- think the way they do, because it frees them to seek emotional nurturing from others.

Gurian, who does not conduct neurological research, bases most of his assertions about sex and the brain on studies by other scientists. But some researchers say many of Gurian’s claims are speculative, and that his conclusions go beyond what is supported by the science.

Scientific studies that show that male and female brains differ in shape and structure are “as solid as they come,” says University of Massachusetts psychologist Geert De Vries, who studies the neurochemical basis of differences in male and female behavior. “But we have no good case where we have found a difference between male and female brains where we know what the difference means. We don’t know too well what just about any group of neurons in the brain are doing.”

Nor do Gurian’s theories set well with psychotherapist Terrence Real, author of “How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women” (Scribner, 2003). “I see this as a conservative response to women’s demands that men become more articulate about their emotional life,” Real says. “This is saying, ‘You know what girls? Men really are emotional troglodytes. Let them off the hook.’ ”

For his part, Gurian says he’s not as “timid” about interpreting data as scientists such as De Vries, and rejects Real’s suggestion that he’s an apologist for men who behave badly. In other words, don’t pick up Gurian’s book in hopes of finding the neurological basis for your inability to vacuum the living room or wash the dishes. “Brain science,” he says, “does not condone laziness; it suggests reasonable expectations.”

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Timothy Gower can be reached at tgower@comcast.net. The Healthy Man runs the second Monday of the month.