Bustamante, congrats: You too are a punch line

How many Cruz Bustamantes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The answer to that question could decide the winner of California’s recall election. As we noted two weeks ago, Bustamante’s candidacy is doomed unless late-night comedians start taking him seriously enough to tell jokes about him.

All the other major gubernatorial candidates, such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman and sleaze peddler Larry Flynt, have been mercilessly satirized by Jay Leno, David Letterman and other comics, thereby giving them credibility with the voting public. Even the fringe candidates, such as comedian Gallagher and alleged Gov. Gray Davis, are regularly lampooned.

But not Bustamante.

So, in an effort to boost his historic bid to become governor by channeling Benedict Arnold (Et tu, Bustamante?), we held a reader contest for lieutenant governor gags.

The first round of judging was conducted by a panel of Orange County Republicans attuned to political incorrectness and insensitivity (i.e., they wanted to make sure the jokes contained both). Another panel of judges picked the winners.

One of our favorites had to be disqualified because it inserted Bustamante into an existing gag, a violation of contest rules. It was sent by Ellis Carver of Grants, N.M.:

“Bustamante, Tom McClintock and Peter Ueberroth are standing on the north tower of the Golden Gate Bridge for photos when a sudden gale sweeps them off the tower toward the bay. Question: Who will hit the water first? Answer: Who cares?”

And now for the honorable mentions:

* To entice the status-conscious Bustamante into staying out of the race, Gray Davis offered to promote him to Major Governor. (David Macaray, Rowland Heights)

* Campaign slogan: He’s Busta-riffic! (Chris Duquette, San Diego)

* If Penelope Cruz marries Tom Cruise, then divorces him and marries the lieutenant governor, and if he takes her name, he becomes Cruz Cruz Cruise. (Billy Sottile, Palmdale)

* Cruz Bustamante is nervous about appearing onstage with fellow candidate Gallagher. He’s afraid the comedian will mistake him for a watermelon and launch into his act. (Karen and Janis Kapler, San Francisco and Boston)

* Here’s the odd situation Bustamante is in: He’s lieutenant governor, yet no one knows who he is. I mean, you have to worry about anyone who is overshadowed by Gray Davis. (David Allen, Claremont)

OK, on to our runner-up prize winners. Drum roll, please. Eighth place and a box of Topps candy go to Charles White of Hacienda Heights for this entry: “When Gray Davis claimed the Republicans were trying to steal the election, Cruz said, ‘That’s terrible. Let them pay for it like we do.’ ”

Seventh place, along with a new board game called Essence -- which is somehow based on a deodorant for men -- goes to Bob Bennett of Cypress for this Cruzinator campaign slogan: “His promise not to run is the last promise he’ll break, honest!”

Coming Friday: Our top winners and more high-quality prizes.