Gamer can’t win for losing

These days, beer comes low carb. Nachos can be made -- tastily, I might add -- with soy chips. But video games? Nothing’s been able to make the fat man’s lazy video game addiction resemble anything healthy.

I should know. I’ve spent a good part of two decades on my couch with a controller in hand. When my friends were playing pitch-T at age 10, I was trying to be a mini-McGwire on Nintendo’s “Baseball Stars.” At 15, while they were chasing real girls, I was rescuing Mario’s princess.

So I blame the games -- not the beer or the nachos -- for the fact that I’m 24, 5 feet, 10 inches, and haven’t weighed in under 250 pounds in years. I’ve been tempted with pixilated fantasies since I was too young to know better. I was Mario. I was Link. And I could always press the pause button to eat a cheeseburger.

In January, my world changed. At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, a company called Powergrid introduced an “intensity gaming system.” Called the KiloWatt, it promised a full-body workout while playing video games.

My jaw dropped so far that the cheeseburger fell out.

I had to have the KiloWatt. I’d prove my family members wrong, one by one. “See, I lost weight playing video games,” I’d tell my dad. “It is too constructive,” I’d tell my grandpa. “I’m working out,” I’d say to my soon-to-be-girlfriend, whom I’d attract with my PlayStation-toned body.

A 6-by-6-foot crate arrived at my house a few weeks later. After a few simple assembly steps, there it was, a prototype KiloWatt. The machine looks like a stationary bike, but with no seat or pedals. Instead of an incline selector at the top, there’s a palm-sized game controller. Out of the bottom winds a cord that plugs into the PlayStation 2 console.

Here’s where the KiloWatt differs from previous failed attempts at exer-gaming, like Nintendo’s one-game-only Powerpad: The KiloWatt is compatible, across the board, with any game. When it goes to retail in June, there will be Xbox, GameCube and PC versions.

To use the KiloWatt, you lean into the post that holds the controller -- to move forward, you lean forward, to go right, you push right. There are still buttons to push, but the whole post is a sort of isometric joystick that makes any game an upper-body workout. Resistance is adjusted with two buttons on the control pad.

I vow to test the KiloWatt for at least 30 minutes a day, every day, for three weeks. Before I start, though, I have to face the scale: 256.5 pounds, 34% body fat.

Nothing a little “Gran Turismo 3” can’t handle. I slide the car-racing game into the PlayStation console. My arms lock and push. And push harder. I still can’t pass the cars cruising by me, but my triceps are constantly flexed. Half an hour and six races later, I wipe sweat off of my brow. This is brilliant.

Two days and another hour of KiloWatt later, I weigh in. I’ve lost 1% body fat, and 2 pounds. I briefly consider whether it’s because of a change in diet. But it’s not the vegetables; surely it’s the video games.

It takes me exactly five days to get entirely sick of “Gran Turismo.” There are only so many car races even the most avid gamer can face, and only so many workouts my triceps can handle. I’m down 1 more pound. My body fat is back to 34%. Before resigning myself to a destitute life of blubber, I e-mail the people at Powergrid: What other games should I try?

I rent a soccer game that, surprisingly, feels more challenging than “GT3” did. Running up and down the field, I’m leaning left and right, which works my chest and shoulders more than triceps. My roommate says it looks as if I’m just standing still -- but imagine pushing on a pole for half an hour. It’s no aerobics class, but it takes it out of you.

I feel like a muscleman. The scale, however, tells me differently. I feed my sorrow some soy chip nachos.

The next time I hit the store, I rent “Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4,” a favorite game but a KiloWatt letdown. Performing the skate tricks requires more button-pushing than dramatic leaning.

I become lazy. I skip days. I sense a lost cause approaching. More soy chip nachos.

After two weeks, I’m back to having lost only 2 pounds. To make matters worse, this is starting to feel less like PlayStation and more like going to the gym. (Though maybe this would be better at the gym, where I might face off against another KiloWatt player.)

As a final push, I rent a flight simulator. Though the yaw control feels like repeatedly tugging on a 100-pound brick, I give it two days of play before retiring it.

I’m still down 2 pounds.

A normal person would be happy with the weight loss. A normal person would celebrate this viable invention. A normal person would be happy with an excuse to play video games. But not me. I’m a fat man. And fat men don’t blame ourselves for being overweight.

But I can’t blame video games anymore. That’s why next week I’m switching to low-carb beer. I hear it tastes great with cheeseburgers.

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KiloWatt

What It Is: Fitness machine that turns video games into an isometric workout.

Platforms: Compatible with Xbox, PS2 and GameCube consoles as well as PC games.

Cost: $675

Available: Through www.pwrgrid.com. At retail outlets, including CompUSA in June.