Few Ceremonies Have Made a Bigger Splash

Well, the opening ceremony of the Athens Olympics went off Friday night, on time even, and just as everybody feared, the Olympic Stadium water pipes burst, the infield flooded, a drummer was soaked to his knees, the video board sparked fire, statues kept breaking into pieces and several performers lost parts of clothing in an unfortunate series of wardrobe malfunctions.

Oh, wait.

According to the official opening ceremony media guide, all that stuff was supposed to happen.

These Games are going to be different, judging by first impressions.

The Greeks turned their track and field stadium into the world’s largest swimming pool for a few minutes, then drained it before the traditional athletes’ parade began, which was sensible, I suppose, although it did seem counterproductive to the night’s biggest moment.

Nikolaos Kaklamanakis, the Greek athlete chosen to light the Olympic caldron, is a windsurfer.

That would have been a last leg to remember, but, sadly, the Greeks shut down the water park early.

Before they did, though, they floated a boat on the pool. They sent a drummer, who didn’t float, marching into the pool until he was knee-deep. They had a centaur throw an electric javelin across the pool, violating conventional stadium safety standards, then had a giant Cycladic Head (I’m quoting the official opening ceremony media guide here) part the waters, rise into the air and break into 18 rock fragments that were supposed to represent the Greek islands, or the number of American track and field athletes expected to fail drug tests here, one or the other.

In the athletes’ parade, with countries entering the stadium in alphabetical order, Ethiopia was immediately followed by Haiti, which was immediately followed by Cape Verde, which was immediately followed by the Ivory Coast, which was immediately followed by Albania.

The Greek alphabet is a different animal, as we learned from the handy bilingual placards that spun like a department store revolving door, announcing each nation in Greek and English.

The United States entered the stadium 55th, two slots behind Zimbabwe and just ahead of Japan. Despite anxiety over anti-American sentiment in Athens, Team USA took its lap to the sound of subdued applause and only a smattering of derisive whistles.

And despite anxiety over Team USA’s possibly not showing the proper amount of respect and decorum during its globally televised walk around the park, Maurice Greene did not once stop to pull off his shoes, fling them to the ground and douse them with a fire extinguisher.

Just as impressive, Allen Iverson refrained from covering his face with his blue Roots Team USA beret. (This is the new, 2004 edition must-have Roots Team USA beret. Round-the-block lines in downtown Salt Lake City have already formed.)

Iverson is on the lam from the Philadelphia parking police. According to the Philadelphia Daily News, Iverson has been hit with “at least 65” parking tickets totaling $4,500 in fines since March 2001 and still owes more than $1,700. According to Associated Press, four of those tickets, each for more than $300, were for parking his Rolls-Royce in a handicapped slot in an airport parking garage.

Several NBA stars turned down invitations to participate in the Olympic basketball tournament. But Iverson in Athens makes perfect sense. Lots of taxis here. And the new Metro is very efficient.

About those missing NBA stars: Did you notice that Dawn Staley, WNBA star, carried the U.S. flag into the Olympic Stadium? There was more than a little symbolism involved with Staley’s being chosen to lead the American team. Unlike some of their NBA brethren, America’s best female basketball players did not stay away because of “security concerns.”

“For us, as women, the Olympic experience is the pinnacle of our careers,” Staley said during a Thursday news conference. “For us, this has always been the very best level of basketball that you can play on.

“I don’t think that [holds] true for some of the guys. The NBA has been their lifelong dream. That’s what they do.... With us, no one ever said, ‘I’m not going to go.’ ”

In a tribute to either the vibrant Athens disco scene or those NBA stars kicking back at home, the athletes marched to futuristic lounge music spun by Dutch DJ Tiesto. In 2002 and 2003, Tiesto was voted the world’s No. 1 DJ, according to DJ magazine. No telling how he’ll fare in 2004, now that they’ve thrown out the strength-of-schedule component.

An opening ceremony says a lot about the country putting it on, and the final piece of business probably said more than the Greeks wanted. According to local media speculation, Kaklamanakis wasn’t the first choice to light the caldron. Costas Kenteris, Greece’s 2000 Olympic 200-meter sprint champion, was believed to be the favorite, but on the eve of the ceremony he missed a mandatory doping test, was in a motorcycle accident and spent Friday night in an Athens hospital awaiting a Monday hearing before an IOC disciplinary committee.

Now, Greece’s most famous Olympic athlete could be suspended from Greece’s Games, or might withdraw from them. The Greeks had hoped for a glitch-free opening ceremony and, built-in eccentricities and all, almost got there. Almost. Until that very conspicuous absence right near the end.