Talking to Strangers? His Lips Are Sealed

My sister and I were eating dinner the other night in a small Italian restaurant in Laguna Beach, the kind where the tables are an arm’s length apart. Way too close for me; perfect for her. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

She’s the kind of person who strikes up conversations with strangers. I am the kind who would do that only if someone were staring at me, trance-like. Or slopping pesto sauce onto my sleeve. Or who dropped the word “Nebraska” into their conversation.

My sister insisted afterward that the other couple initiated things, but I don’t remember anything resembling a cue. Not that it matters. My sister would be the first to acknowledge she doesn’t need much of an opening.

So it was that I looked down to butter my bread, and a moment later, the four of us were talking about Italy, the passion of Italians and, in general, la dolce vita.

Actually, it was the three of them. For the most part, I sat there like a Swedish meatball.

Unwittingly, I’d stumbled on a cultural divide that dwarfs Red State-Blue State: Do you go out of your way to chat with people or do you mind your own business?

After the other couple left, I asked my sister why she’s so inclined to mingle. “I don’t think most people do that,” I said, possessing no data.

Sensing pique, she asked why I wouldn’t do so. She then dropped a descriptive term on me normally associated with an uptight person.

It didn’t degenerate into an argument. Rather, we discussed our differing philosophies. I had to confess I’m just not that interested in other people. Nor would I assume for one moment they’d be interested in me.

If I understand my sister

correctly, she sees such encounters as opportunities. An impromptu conversation is like looking behind Door No. 3 -- with whatever surprise it may produce.

Besides, she said, if she thought the other couple weren’t interested in talking (our couple appeared to be), she’d have backed off.

In retrospect, I started wondering if my sister was right. What’s my problem? Why not find out if the Unknown Couple on the Left is interesting or not?

Sorry, just not interested.

To her credit, my sister said she’d also do some thinking on why she so readily engages. She noted, however, that she has made lasting friendships doing just what she did at our table in Laguna.

To help us along in our quest for human potential, I solicited the opinion of psychologist Julie Cohen, a board member with the Orange County Psychological Assn. I wanted to know if our respective approaches were merely personality traits or whether they represented profound beliefs about our takes on life.

“Your sister is more interested in what other people have to say and clearly is not afraid to find out what that is and assumes it will be a positive outcome,” Cohen says. Initiating conversations with strangers as I described, Cohen says, requires that a person combine an interest in other people, self-confidence and a belief that such overtures will turn out well.

That sounds on the money, because I have none of the three. But while I also contend that it’s socially inappropriate to impose on strangers, Cohen says that is more in the eye of the beholder.

I polled some office mates and found no clear pattern. Some strike up conversations, some don’t. Of those who don’t, some say their spouses do it. One said her husband’s propensity for doing it embarrasses their son.

It’s doubtful that Sis or I will change our behaviors. At best, we’ll be less judgmental of the other.

I’ll simply remind her that, of the two of us, I’m the one who took to heart what our parents told us long ago: Don’t talk to strangers.