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Relationships, body image and children: A Latina therapist shares how to handle awkward holiday convos

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(Photo illustration by Elana Marie / For De Los )
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The end of the year is often marked by holiday cheer, but questions like “Y el/la novio/a?” or comments about body image can shift the joyful spirit to a hostile environment.

Latino adults are more likely to feel socially uncomfortable during the holiday season compared with other racial and ethnic groups, according to a 2021 study by the American Psychiatric Assn.

Licensed therapist Adriana Alejandre, founder of a national directory of Latinx therapists called Latinx Therapy, advises individuals to understand the triggers that might come up during the festive celebrations before they reunite with family.

An increasingly popular approach to therapy asks whether “symptoms” are really parts of ourselves that need more care.

“Themes that come up are, ‘Where is the partner?’ Body changes, pressures about careers, grades. … It could be ‘When are you having children?’” Alejandre said. After identifying possible triggers, Alejandre encourages individuals to set personal boundaries to protect themselves emotionally.

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Here are some healthy ways to navigate through some touchy subjects.

Relationships

Though responding to questions about your relationship status with a funny anecdote might feel like the most appropriate response at the moment, Alejandre believes it is better to redirect the conversation elsewhere.

It’s possible to heal from family stresses and traumas that can shape our minds and bodies.

Fighting the urge to respond aggressively could avoid future arguments since most “clap back” comments come off as passive aggressive, according to Alejandre.

“Share that you feel better off on your own, and that there is no time limit for finding someone,” Alejandre said.

Children

De Los contributor Alex Zaragoza wrote that more Latino people are choosing to wait to have children for various reasons, whether it be the cost of raising a child, the desire to accomplish personal goals, the impact of parenthood on lives and careers, or concerns over climate change or gun laws.

I love spending holidays with my family, particularly the matriarchs. But I know what comments to expect from my mom, aunts and others.

There are also those who have struggled with infertility. The World Health Organization reports that 1 in 6 people are affected by infertility globally.

For those who wish to get ahead of the topic, especially those who are struggling with infertility, Alejandre recommends pulling family members aside before dinner and letting them know that you do not want the topic to come up.

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How do you compassionately get rid of the things your immigrant parents hold onto that are piling up in their home?

“It’s important to state the boundaries that you need for you to feel safe,” Alejandre said.

Body Image

Comments about body image or weight can have lasting effects on self-esteem.

Alejandre believes that individuals should lead with their emotions while keeping responses short.

She suggests telling family members, “Your comments make me feel blank [insert emotion here]. I’m not comfortable with the comment. I would rather not discuss my body at the dinner table.”

With the help of Latina therapists, first-generation women are laying down boundaries and addressing unhealthy family dynamics, but it can sometimes feel like thankless work.

Alejandre encourages pulling family members aside to have the conversation privately.

However, if the family member deflects or plays things off as a joke, Alejandre urges individuals to maintain honesty by using “I” statements.

“I understand. I hear you. It still doesn’t take away how it made me feel when I heard those words,” Alejandre proposes.

Sexuality

Not everyone feels comfortable talking about their sexuality with their family. If that is the case, Alejandre believes that individuals should do what is necessary to protect themselves, whether it be not responding to invasive questions or leaving the environment altogether.

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Toxic gratitude or ‘Si Dios Quiere Syndrome’ is the concept that Latinos are too content with just receiving scraps instead of demanding what they deserve.

For those who feel safe discussing the topic, Alejandre recommends an educational approach by asking family members about their own sexuality: “What was sexuality like for you growing up? What were the assumptions that were being made in school, through the restrooms, through books, through what you saw on TV?”

Career

Questions about pay, promotions or unemployment can heighten anxieties during an already stressful time. By leaning into curiosity, individuals can reframe their family’s concerns.

“I think this pressure comes from the parent’s side of anxiety, so when we understand questions as a sign of projection then it helps us not get so reactive,” Alejandre said.

Becoming your family’s translator of what life is like in El Salvador and the realities of the U.S. takes a toll.

This could look like asking questions like, “What are some of the concerns that you have?” Alejandre suggests.

If there is pushback to questions about your career or the overall idea that you are not doing enough in life, it could be helpful to acknowledge but reschedule the conversation for another time.

“This is such an important conversation. Let’s discuss this topic on a different day, or on a different week,” is a response that Alejandre recommends.

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Therapy pages to follow

While it is no substitution for actual therapy sessions, social media can be a resource for individuals looking to comprehend their triggers and trauma.

Here are some Latinx therapist accounts on Instagram that can help you navigate the holiday blues.

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