Christmas, Wrapped in Red and Blue

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a John Kerry golf ball and tee.

That’s one of the items on our 2004 gift guide. For election junkies of all persuasions -- left, right, even canine -- here are the season’s top stocking stuffers.

Global Warming

Vanishing Land Mug

Pour a hot beverage into this specially designed “mug with a message” and watch large land masses shrivel from the effects of rising oceans. Los Angeles becomes a modern-day Atlantis. Florida and Cuba drown under the sea. Available for $12.95 from stupid.com. In mid-January, the site will offer a Disappearing Civil Liberties mug (parts of the Bill of Rights vanish -- not the 2nd Amendment).

For people who think global warming is fiction, rightwingstuff.com offers a $15.99 “Stop Global Whining” mug, perfect for sipping coffee grown on those Panamanian plantations that aren’t really a threat to the rain forests.

Fore!

(More Years)

Politicalgifts.com is running a “liquidation sale” on Kerry golf tees. Originally $12.95, the tee-and-ball set now goes for $7.50. Other websites offer even steeper discounts. Aus tads.com prices the tee set at $4.99.

“Get a Life” Love Boats

Sail the seas with your favorite political pundits. In February, the conservative Weekly Standard invites you to join editors William Kristol and Fred Barnes on a cruise through the Persian Gulf aboard a fully armed U.S. aircraft carrier. Just kidding. Actually, it’s a weeklong tour of the Caribbean aboard a Holland America cruise liner. The Nation magazine offers a lefty alternative. This year’s eight-day cruise featured Molly Ivins, Robert Scheer, Calvin Trillin and other speakers mesmerizing fellow cruisers on such topics as “Toward a New American Foreign Policy.” Whirlpool bath suites -- up to $4,098 single.

Air Force One Play Set

Create your own small-scale international incident with these die-cast metal replicas of Air Force One, Marine One (the presidential helicopter), the presidential limo and the Secret Service Jeep. Also includes various motorcade signs. Offered by demstore.com for $17.50 (the site also sells an $11 plush-toy Air Force One that roars like a jet when squeezed).

George-in-the-Box

Turn the crank on this unassuming metal box and you’ll hear the familiar strains of “Hail to the Chief.” Then, pop goes the ... president. It’s the next best thing to a White House press conference. $24.95 at baronbob.com.

The W Deck

Poker and pinochle will never be the same when you play with wdeck.com’s presidential playing cards. The $9.95 deck features vintage pinup photos and magazine covers that have been digitally doctored to include the face of President Bush. One card superimposes the commander in chief’s mug onto Queen Elizabeth’s body. Another shows him as a French poodle. You get the drift.

Talking Ann Coulter Doll

What do you get when you cross Barbie with Rush Limbaugh? A talking Ann Coulter doll. Push her button and the miniature conservative commentator repeats one of 14 memorable spiels, including: “Why not go to war just for oil? ... What do Hollywood celebrities imagine fuels their private jets? How do they think their cocaine is delivered to them?”

The $29.99 action figure is marketed by Irvine-based talkingpresidents.com. Coulter says she wishes the doll had been around when she was a tyke. “I think it’s terrific,” she told the New York Daily News. “This action figure can talk, wear different outfits and hairstyles. It also kills terrorist leaders and converts their followers to Christianity.”

Life-Size Cardboard President

Liven up your next cocktail party, seance, church service or orgy with a life-size cardboard cutout of JFK, Abraham Lincoln or President Bush. They’re similar to the cutouts used by street vendors peddling pose-with-a-celebrity Polaroids. Prices range from $26.99 to $29.99 at hollywoodmegastore.com.

Condi in the Sky

With Diamonds

Hippies who turned conservative in their old age will trip out over these Psychedelic Republican trading cards. Each features a groovy, flashback-quality image of a top Republican, along with (mostly fake) fun facts. Ann Coulter’s spirit animal is the pit bull terrier, Karl Rove’s favorite album is Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours,” and Pat Robertson’s nickname is “RoboJesus.” Available from psychedelicrepublicans.com. Collect all 24 for $4.99!

Gov. Girlie Man

Jingle all the way into the holiday season with this sissified Schwarzenegger sculpture. The 8-inch-high bobblehead, which “weighs about the same as the Oscar that Arnold will never win,” depicts the Terminator in a spiffy pink dress. It retails for $19.99 at governor girlieman.com.

Fahrenheit Voodoo

Brush up on your acupuncture skills with the Michael Moore “soft sculpture” voodoo doll. The 8-inch-high figurine comes clutching an Oscar. Pins not included. Retails for $29.95 at hero builders.com.

Opinionated Ornaments

When decorating a Christmas tree, candy canes and shiny orbs can only go so far. No Yuletide pine is really complete without a U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan ornament, available for $9.99 at rightwingstuff.com. The site also sells Al Franken, Ralph Nader, Rudy Giuliani and Jacques Chirac ornaments.

Sen. Fetch

Republican Rovers on your list will drool over the Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton chew toy. Made from soft rubber (to protect gums), the fully fetchable former first lady sells for $12.95 at political pettoys.com. Other chew toys resemble Saddam Hussein, Sen. John Kerry, Bill Clinton and -- coming in January -- filmmaker Michael Moore.

Meanwhile, progressive pups can chomp on the company’s George W. Bush or the soon-to-be-released Dick Cheney toys.

-- Roy Rivenburg