The Four-Fingered Defense

How shocking to learn the other day that, because of Michael Eisner’s iron-willed control of the Disney empire, Mickey, Donald, Daisy, Pluto, Pooh, Uncle Scrooge -- in fact, all the cartoon characters that so dominate our entertainment, culture and clothing -- were totally ignorant of possible takeovers by evil interests. Other than the Beagle Boys, of course, who are just out of prison again.

The same thing happened to Bugs, Elmer and the Warner Bros. crowd when they were conglommed by Time and AOL, which doesn’t stand for Acme Online.

It probably shouldn’t surprise fans that conniving bosses of entertainment factories with belching smokestacks and large cigars tightly control the lives of beloved characters who could, if they were capable of thinking, become very rich free agents. Cartoon characters live together in isolated dormitories (though Cinderella has demanded her own castle). Think about it: When’s the last time you saw Minnie retrieving her polka-dot dresses at the dry cleaners? And did you know that none of these indentured creatures has health insurance? For years, Wile E. Coyote and Daffy have paid their own hospital bills.

These characters have no contact with a world that devotes so much time to laughing at them. They’re too busy chasing each other, furiously digging new burrows, falling off cliffs, failing to dodge shotgun blasts, pulling rugs from under others, leaving precisely profiled holes in walls and tiptoeing past Spike, the snoring canine with the pointy collar. Some even get blown up. (Notice: At no time are humans injured during cartoon filming, according to the ASPCH.)

To plot a takeover defense, all accredited cartoon actors (you must talk funny and have only four fingers) recently gathered in Disney Dorm, a disturbingly happy place with no mortgage, walls that heal by the next chase and large phones that bounce when ringing. The meeting was chaotically fun, as you might imagine for a gathering of mice, bears, coyotes, feuding chipmunks, goofy-eared dogs, dog-eared Goofys, a dim donkey, a posse of grumpy dwarfs and a single-parent duck family.

Woody could not establish order with everyone reciting movie lines at once. Tweety and Roadrunner argued. Chip and Dale stole cookies. Bugs downed the carrots. Buzz Lightyear flew by, mumbling something about infinity and Beyonce. Tom and Jerry, their feet whirling blurs, toppled the lemonade. To battle outsiders there was animated talk of fire hoses, whistles, battalions of obedient brooms, big mallets and raiding Acme’s rocket warehouse. Tensions rose. Popeye told Snow White, “Shut up with your sweetness, Sweetie!” Sylvester stunned the crowd, entering grandly late and furless. Miss Piggy drop-kicked Kermit when he started again about the difficulties of being green. Yosemite Sam opened fire at the ceiling. No takeover defense got planned. Everyone had a grand time.

That’s all, folks.