Trumping trump: power to more people
Why should Donald Trump have all the fun?
In the hit NBC series “The Apprentice,” desperately ambitious underlings battle it out for a chance to get a real job working for the Donald. He gives them weekly tasks, brags about his wealth, expounds on the meaning of life -- and then fires the least effective member of the team at the end of each episode. Every boss’ dream job.
The show is so successful that it has been renewed for another season, and Trump is working on a related book deal. The network is reportedly in talks with Jeffrey Katzenberg, the K in DreamWorks SKG, about his own “Apprentice” show. But why stop there? The world has so many colorful stress jockeys to choose from. Here are some options:
Harvey Weinstein
Miramax co-founder
Apprentice tasks: Help Harvey woo actors, bully directors, fight with reporters, open fresh packs of Carltons, crank-call Peter Biskind (author of “Down and Dirty Pictures: Miramax, Sundance and the Rise of Independent Film”), rearrange furniture that’s been thrown around the room.
*
Fidel Castro
maximum leader of the revolution, commander in chief of the Cuban armed forces, president of the republic, president of the Council of State and Council of Ministers, chairman of the Council of State, chairman of the Council of Ministers, first general secretary of the Communist Party
Apprentice tasks: Keep titles straight, tattoo “socialism or death” on chest, stay awake through seven-hour speech on the world crisis or whatever.
*
Michael Eisner
beleaguered Disney chairman
Apprentice tasks: Barricade doors and windows. Stock up on power bars. Purchase bullhorns, yell through them: “I got you Miss Piggy. Isn’t that enough for you bloodsuckers?!” Consider holding Dopey for ransom. Settle in for long siege.
*
Bob Knight
Texas Tech basketball coach (formerly at Indiana University). Note: Because of language and violence, this show would have to air on HBO.
Apprentice tasks: Duck hurled plastic chairs, duck hurled vases, duck hurled obscenities, get out of chokehold, write form-letter apologies to send to university presidents, offended interest groups, fans.
*
Martha Stewart
indicted home improvement empress
Apprentice tasks: Come up with tasteful, creative, delicious ways to get Stewart out of her present contretemps, help boss with phone etiquette (“Let’s use our TV-friendly voice instead of screaming”).
*
Kim Jong-Il
North Korean dictator also known as the Eternal Sun,Guardian Deity of the Planet, Sun of Socialism, Ever-Victorious General, Lode Star of the 21st Century, Peerless Leader....
Apprentice tasks: Buy platform shoes, learn how to manage pompadour, develop a uranium enrichment plant, help boss work out father-son issues.
*
Tony Soprano
waste management company executive on HBO series. (Note to applicants: Getting fired is the least of your worries.)
Apprentice tasks: Hack off limbs of assorted enemies, let him win at poker, swear oath of loyalty on head of firstborn child, make therapy appointments, keep all flammable products away from Silvio’s toupee.
*
Donald Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
Apprentice tasks: Agree with everything boss says, except when he reverses positions, then assert that he never said first thing in first place. Show disdain for State Department pantywaists. Translate the following into English: “As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns ... but there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”