Forecast for Minnesota Is Broom and Bored

Minnesota is the curling capital of America. Or maybe it’s Wisconsin. I don’t know, I get all those nondescript Midwestern states mixed up.

I just know those folks who live out there in the hinterland are familiar with brooms, and next week when they turn on the TV and see a bunch of Laker fans waving brooms above their heads, I don’t want them to think we’re challenging them.

Most of us living here couldn’t deliver a stone beyond the hog line even if we could find a patch of ice, but anyone who knows anything about basketball can see a sweep coming, unless the Lakers become bored, or Shaq finally hauls off and decks Kobe.

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THE TIMBERWOLVES are your classic “just happy to be here” basketball team that gave its all to have the best regular-season record in the Western Conference, which ought to get a snicker out of the Lakers.

There’s no trying hard in the NBA, certainly not during the regular season, and now the overachieving Timberwolves must play on after a draining seven-game series against the Sacramento Kings, which they were lucky to win.

We all know the Lakers can name the final score tonight. Of course, they can do that almost any night, which makes you wonder why they let the other team win so often, but I just don’t see any Mall of America incentive for Jeanie, Phil and our regular-season slackers to return to Minneapolis next week.

It’s pretty well understood now in the basketball world, although it might be a few days before the rider arrives in Mankato with the news, that the Lakers are going to win another title. The only thing remaining in question is the date of the parade.

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ONE OF the newspapers back there, and I can never tell the difference between those small-town twins -- Minneapolis and St. Paul -- has a columnist, I believe, by the name of “Sid Homer.” That tells you a little about these yahoos.

Most of your Minnesota sportswriters go easy on the local teams, knowing they have to be cooped up inside with many of their readers much of the year. So they’ve already praised the Timberwolves for a job well done with two rounds remaining. Imagine the look Phil would give me if I did that.

Patrick Reusse, writing for the Minneapolis Star Tribune after the Timberwolves beat the Kings, noted, “The frustration is behind [Kevin] Garnett now. He has carried his team through two rounds and to the Western Conference finals. Now, it’s fun, even if the big, bad, rested Lakers are the challenge that awaits.”

Reusse then quoted Garnett: “I didn’t want to be sitting by myself wondering.... Maybe driving home after the game, wondering if I could have done more,” and concluded his column, gushing: “Stop wondering.”

Obviously everyone in the hinterland is thrilled the team got this far, although they’d prefer it if the Wild was still playing, which goes to show you the kind of weirdos living there. (Winona Ryder lived in Minnesota. And we probably could have seen it coming had we known she stole her name from the city she was born in, Winona.)

Back here, of course, there was only a passing interest in whom the Lakers might play next because “The Bachelor” season finale was on.

Frankly, I was pulling for Tara and Sacramento. The last I saw Mike Bibby, he was dancing in Staples, and I worry now that there won’t be anyplace for him to continue in that cow town. And just imagine how upset Doug Christie’s wife must be

That’s the thing about Sacramento. We know a whole lot about the Kings, but beyond Garnett, a pair of wacko guards, Mark Madsen and the Big Stiff, a.k.a. Michael Olowokandi, we don’t know much about those who call Minnesota home.

Sure, I noticed their cheerleaders on TV, and I guess it was a long winter, so the good news is they’ll have four more games to work themselves into swimsuit shape. And I did some homework about Minnesota. Bob Dylan called his Hibbing home “a good place to leave,” while Charles A. Lindbergh grew up in Little Falls and took off flying the first chance he got. J. Paul Getty was born there, but his museum is here.

Harold Stassen ran for president nine times, but no one wanted a guy from Minnesota running the country. F. Scott Fitzgerald was born there, which drove him to drink, leading to his death. Zelda, his wife, had a series of mental breakdowns, which apparently is what happens when you marry someone from Minnesota.

We also know Al Franken and Jesse Ventura spent significant time in Minnesota, making it “the land of 10,000 lakes and two nuts.”

But what we don’t know is how Minnesota’s sports fans will react to seeing their team swept by the Lakers. They still have 193 days until the ice fishing season opens, although it could be worse: They could be living in Nebraska and have nothing to look forward to for the rest of their lives.

When the Twins made it to the World Series, the folks from Minnesota pulled out the “Homer Hankies,” and I sure hope Sid, the columnist, got a piece of the action. (Watching on TV, though, it appeared as if there were 60,000 people waving white flags as if to say we can’t take living here anymore.)

For the next few days, though, we’re probably going to hear a lot of nonsense from the folks back in Minnesota about their plucky little team and their own good lives with no fear of earthquakes, smog and blah-blah-blah. But let’s face it, even the Lakers left Minneapolis years ago. You get the chance, you go.

So don’t let their sportswriters fool you; if the newspapers here were willing to hire homers, they’d be lined up at The Times’ door.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.