Handy translator deciphers debate

It’s no secret that politicians don’t always mean what they say. In an effort to get inside the brains of Botox Boy and the Grammarian in Chief, we purchased a mind-reading machine on EBay and used it to analyze comments from Thursday night’s presidential debate.

Here’s the scoop on what President Bush, Sen. John F. Kerry and moderator Jim Lehrer said versus what they were really thinking.

Lehrer: A green light will come on when 30 seconds remain in any given answer; yellow at 15; red at five seconds; and then flashing red means time’s up. There is also a backup buzzer system if needed.

Translation: And if that doesn’t work, I know karate. Just because I’m from PBS doesn’t mean I won’t kick some serious butt if you clowns break the rules.

Bush: In Iraq, no doubt about it, it’s tough. It’s hard work. It’s incredibly hard.

Translation: You know what else is hard? Using the phrase “hard work,” “working hard,” “hard choices” and other “hard”-based verbiage 22 times in one debate.

Kerry: I’ve never wavered in my life.

Translation: Well, except for switching my position on Iraq three or four times. But other than that, I’ve never wavered. I think.

Bush: [long, awkward pause]

Translation: Jim, I’d like to buy a vowel.

Kerry: It’s one thing to be certain, but you can be certain and be wrong. It’s another to be certain and be right, or to be certain and be moving in the right direction, or be certain about a principle and then learn new facts and take those new facts and put them to use in order to change....

Translation: Oh, my God, Bush is rubbing off on me!

Bush: The enemy understands a free Iraq will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred. That’s why they’re fighting so vociferously.

Translation: Wait, can you fight vociferously? How about vituperatively? Vivaciously? Intravenously? Viagra-ly?

Lehrer: Are there underlying character issues that you believe are serious enough to deny Sen. Kerry the job as commander in chief of the United States?

Translation: Let’s get some mudslinging going before this debate puts everyone to sleep.

Bush: I admire Sen. Kerry’s service to our country. I admire the fact that he is a great dad. I appreciate the fact that his daughters have been so kind to my daughters.

Translation: But c’mon. Do you really want a guy in the White House who looks like Herman Munster?

Kerry: I appreciate enormously the personal comments the president just made. And I share them with him.

Translation: I can’t believe I’m trailing in the polls to a guy who can’t even eat a pretzel without supervision.

Bush: We’ve already sanctioned Iran. We can’t sanction them any more.

Translation: Unless we put them on double-secret probation.

Lehrer: The Darfur region of Sudan [is experiencing] ongoing genocide. Yet neither one of you ... has discussed the possibility of sending in troops. Why not?

Translation: I wonder if I can get out of here in time to catch tonight’s episode of “Joey.”

Kerry: I think the reason that we’re not saying “Send American troops in” at this point is severalfold.

Translation: Duh, because there’s no oil in Sudan.

Kerry: I wrote a book about [nuclear proliferation] several years ago -- six, seven years ago -- called “The New War.”

Translation: Right now, it’s No. 28,770 on Amazon.com’s sales chart, but after this shameless plug, it should crack the 5,000 mark, and I’ll be on my way to financial independence from Teresa!

Bush: We’ve climbed the mighty mountain. I see the valley below, and it’s a valley of peace.

Translation: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of peace, I shall fear no evildoers. For thou art vociferously with me.