For an Intergalactic Wedgie, Stand Right Here

I always defend my people, as long as it doesn’t involve risking bodily harm, spending money or traveling far from my house. So when I found out that journalists were heading to Grauman’s Chinese Theater to report mockingly about the nerds in line for “Star Wars” tickets, I knew I had to help. I may not like “Star Wars,” but a geek is a geek. Come Bloomsday, these people will have my back.

But I quickly discovered that this wouldn’t be easy. These fans, it turned out, were in line six weeks early for a movie everyone knows is going to be lousy. And if that wasn’t enough of a cry to get themselves beat up, they’re waiting for a movie that isn’t even being shown at Grauman’s. They might as well pull the back of their underwear out and stand near a flagpole.

Online, I had found a “Star Wars” website with the number for a pay phone near the line, 323-462-9609. It is among the remaining pay phones that takes incoming calls. Maybe letting people make fun of “Star Wars” nerds is SBC’s way of giving back to the community.

After several busy signals, Sara Sprague answered. Even in a “Star Wars” line, apparently, the only people who answer the phone are women. Sprague invited me to be embedded in the group, and as we talked, I warmed to the idea.

At 10 a.m. on Wednesday, the line held 12 people, some of whom had been there overnight. They were equipped with laptops, Internet access and a big enough server to make the first “Star Wars.”

When I asked Sprague why they lined up for tickets outside a theater that wasn’t showing the film, she replied that these fans had been at Grauman’s for the last two episodes and hoped that the theater, which has a sound system they find particularly keen, would relent and decide to show the film. Or perhaps, she said, another theater would take pity on them and give them advance tickets.

Beyond that, they came to hang with “Star Wars” friends from across the country and play games involving “Star Wars.” Plus they are raising money for the Starlight Foundation. How standing in line raises money was not entirely clear to me, but I assume it involves letting people punch them.

I saw the pay phone I had called. It rang incessantly, usually with calls from pranksters phoning to harass. “We’re so used to it,” Sprague said. “No one stands in a ‘Star Wars’ line without expecting to be picked on.”

Here was my chance to help. For two hours, I took control of the phone, as eager to hear from bullies as radio talker Tom Leykis is to talk to women who have no self-respect.

What I quickly learned was that the callers used mockery to hide their love of light sabers. Josh, a 17-year-old from Oregon, pretended he was being facetious in claiming he was attracted to Ewoks. Andy, a 16-year-old from Ohio, acted as though he wasn’t really envious when inquiring about my place in the line.

My final call was from Dan Mikkelson, a 25-year-old punk-music producer in Hartford, Conn. “Anyone so dedicated to anything, I support,” he said.

He thought the line was one of the most punk things he’d ever heard of. “It’s beautiful. It’s sticking to what you’re into against the derision of everyone in the world, especially when they’re not even showing it at that theater. It’s poetic.”

Maybe these people didn’t need my help at all. So I left, wishing simultaneously that I had something I was that passionate about, and glad that it wasn’t “Star Wars.”