And Now, a Word From the Other Side

An open letter to the 109th Congress from Jebediah M. Packer III (1802-1866), onetime pewter magnate, as channeled by Jonathan Bines.

Members of Congress:

Debate rages once again in your august body on the subject of the death tax: This time, on a proposal to make its repeal permanent. Yet, disturbingly, not a single voice has been solicited from any representative of the group most directly burdened by the death tax -- indeed, the only group directly affected by the tax. I refer, of course, to the dead.

Publicly available records show that, since the inception of the modern version of the estate tax in 1916, a full 100% of these taxes were paid by deceased Americans, while 0% was paid by the living. Let me go over those figures again: dead, 100%; alive, 0%. Yet, disturbingly, not a single person involved in the current debate is dead, near dead, or even in his final throes.

The exclusion of the differently animated from the current debate is perhaps not surprising, given our perennially low voter turnout (even, these days, in Chicago). Nevertheless, we find it unacceptable.

We are particularly incensed by the hubris of the death tax opponents, who, without so much as holding a seance or consulting a phone psychic, presume to speak on our behalf. The disingenuousness of these people -- many of them rich, all of them alive -- as they rail against the injustices perpetrated against the ex-animate in the form of “double taxation” and “confiscatory rates” is enough to make any self-respecting dead person turn over in his or her grave -- which is extremely uncomfortable.

Death tax opponents might be interested to know that, contrary to their assertions, deceased Americans overwhelmingly support the tax. Indeed, in the 136 years since I transferred my spiritual assets to the great offshore account in the sky, I have yet to meet a fellow spirit who has anything but praise for the tax.

First of all -- and this is a point that seems to have escaped death tax opponents -- we don’t need the money. I don’t think I’m contravening any divine dictates by confirming that, in fact, you can’t take it with you. (N.B.: It is also not the case that “whoever dies with the most toys, wins.”)

Even if you could keep the loot, there’s not a lot you could do with it in heaven, which operates as a utopian community organized on the socialist model. (Indeed, it’s the only place where socialism works in practice.)

Moreover, as my friend Andrew Carnegie points out, a strong estate tax in effect coerces the wealthy into making large charitable contributions before reaching their expiration date. The rich may resent the pressure while alive, but believe me, upon reaching the Seat of Judgment, they’re not so upset about it. Indeed, if not for the death tax, many ex-robber barons of my acquaintance would be hauling boulders uphill for eternity, rather than strumming on their little harps.

Even those few wealthy souls who do reach heaven opposing the death tax are quickly brought around. If you think George Soros, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates make a decent case for the tax, wait until you get an earful from the likes of Adam Smith, Tom Paine, Thomas Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt, who dominate our afternoon ambrosia klatches with their tirades against the evils of inherited wealth. (Smith would also like it pointed out that, to the extent that a death tax constitutes a disincentive to die, it’s pro-life.)

If billionaires wish to preserve their dynasties, if conservatives wish to further their anti-federal or anti-tax agenda, if heirs to the fabulously wealthy wish to persist in the delusion that they are due not just something for nothing but everything -- let them say so openly rather than cloaking themselves in the banner of rights for the dead. Otherwise, even if their words don’t come back to haunt them -- we might.

Eternally yours,

Jebediah M. Packer III