Women want a house around the man

FAVORITE band? Last book read? Marx brother you most admire? Oddly enough, personal ad profiles list lots of information about men while leaving out perhaps the single most important piece of the data women desperately want to know:

Rent, lease or own?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure gals all over L.A. are ecstatic to find someone into U2, Tom Clancy and Harpo -- but a guy’s real estate status might just qualify as the mother of all “search criteria.” (Forget “Only show profiles with pictures.” How about “Only show profiles with mortgage interest deductions”?)

Now you’re getting some real insight into a man’s character.

OK, I’ll start. I’ve always believed that courage, hard work and determination would one day enable me to buy a piece of the American dream -- or at least a town house in Tarzana. Unfortunately, chronic laziness and a taste for the bubbly put an end to that strategy, pronto. But unlike certain, less responsible men, I made it a point to have a rich uncle who never married.

Long story short -- I own a small one-bedroom condo.

So what does this say about me? Nothing, but like it or not, women will give you points for owning property, even if they don’t quite know how you came to inherit ... er, buy it. Why? You have to understand how they perceive your living arrangement:

1. Homeowner (You’re stable. Hard-working. Would make a great husband.)

First off, understand that while you’re busy reading the Sports section on Sundays, the women of your dreams are over in Real Estate. It’s hormonal: Gals who rent want to own. Gals who own want to buy something bigger. Gals who can afford something really big generally wind up marrying musicians anyway.

Pam Anderson. Renee Zellweger. Cher. The list is endless.

This goes back to prehistoric times. While men have no trouble roaming from one 600-square-foot cave to the next, women desire a large enclosed space where they can put down roots and make you fix the sprinklers.

Women believe that houses keep men out of trouble. How? Well, ever hear of any steamy romances getting started in the garden tool aisle at Ace Hardware? (“Excuse me, pretty lady, is that a backhoe you’re holding? May I buy you some fertilizer?”) Hardly. No one goes to Home Depot to meet chicks. (Not that orange aprons are a turnoff.)

Homes also tend to keep men working hard in order to ward off that nasty Mr. Foreclosure. Nothing like a long-term mortgage to keep a guy from quitting his job to start an alt-pop band.

2. Home Renter (You’re undecided. Can’t commit for the long term. Would make a great ex-husband.)

No matter how nice your “house” may be, it’s not yours -- so you get no credit here. Although it’s better than renting a dank apartment, most women will ultimately see this situation as a losing proposition.

3. Apartment Renter (You are artistic. Fun to have at parties. Make a great neighbor.)

Unfair, I know. Some of my best PlayStation-addicted friends are renters. Still, nothing makes a woman’s heart sink faster than finding out you’re an apartment dweller. And if you have a roommate, forget it. They’ll forever see you as either Beavis or Butt-head. Believe me, neither one’s a compliment. Better you should have open sores, emotional problems or cats.

At least those will disappear over time.

The answer? Get in on the housing bubble. Buy an overpriced home with a risky, interest-only loan and no money down. One day you might face financial ruin, but in the meantime, at least you’ll have someone around who knows how to decorate the foyer.