The weather inside’s delightful
RANDOM thoughts, while pulling tinsel from my teeth and wrestling brandy away from an underage beagle:
All hours are happy hours.
Every place is a Peyton Place.
When I grow up, I want to be a major stockholder.
If a dog’s life is so bad, how come we’re the ones following him around with scoopy bags?
Ingenue of the year: Keira Knightley.
Ingenue of the year runner-up: the Pontiac Solstice.
In a few years, we’re gonna look back at blogs and just laugh.
Website of the day: JiWire, www.jiwire.com, which locates the wireless hot spots in your area.
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“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
Garrison Keillor
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Good books are my liquor.
Good sarcasm my favorite meat.
Best deal of the season: the ice rink at Pershing Square ($8 includes skate rental).
Children are God’s way of stimulating the economy.
HMOs should cover Santa visits.
Robert Downey Jr. is the next Nicholson.
Thomas Haden Church is the next Nolte.
All seasons are busy seasons.
The world has too many magazines.
And not enough newspapers.
When in doubt, marry for money.
When in love, still marry for money.
Children are God’s way of keeping you home.
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“Well, you’re not exactly Superman, but you’re awfully available.”
-- Vera-Ellen to Danny Kaye in “White Christmas”
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I never know which wine to serve with chestnuts.
The world seemed a steadier place when more men wore suits.
I don’t even own a suit.
Vegetable of the year: popcorn.
Fruit of the year: the martini olive.
Honestly, our Christmas tree drinks more than I do.
These days, I get most of my frankincense online.
But I prefer to buy myrrh at the mall.
I wish I could do better dialects.
The world has too many lights and not enough trees.
Secret to great chicken soup? Zatarain’s gumbo mix.
There’s nothing like a groin pull to make you feel really alive.
Best potential casting for a Santa flick: Sarah Silverman.
Pretty soon, my whole life will be pay per view.
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“You know, in some ways, you’re far superior to my cocker spaniel.”
-- Danny Kaye to Vera-Ellen in “White Christmas”
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Sure cure for world hunger: edible underwear.
Oy, my buddy Irv ... now, there’s a guy who can do dialects.
All movies are 20 minutes too long.
So are some sitcoms.
And many dinner parties.
Most underrated spinach? Creamed.
Most underrated car? The Camry.
Downtown restaurant worth checking out: Warung, on 4th between Spring and Main.
My buddy Paul thinks “bisexual” means he has two kids.
Just for kicks, Smuckers should make printer jam.
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“Roses are reddish, violets are bluish,
if it wasn’t for Christmas, we’d all be Jewish.”
Benny Hill
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“A good conscience is a continual Christmas.”
Benjamin Franklin
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Go Clippers.
Go Trojans.
On Donner.
On Blitzen.
On second thought, lay off Blitzen. He doesn’t look well.
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Chris Erskine can be reached at chris.erskine@ latimes.com.
