Guys who drive the ladies wild
PROVING once again that today’s court defendant is tomorrow’s trendsetter, Heidi Fleiss is back, announcing she intends to open the first Nevada brothel featuring men who fulfill women’s fantasies.
Before you harpoon Fleiss’ decadent career move, let me point out it could be worse. She could have become a celebrity judge on “So You Think You Can Dance.”
My visceral reaction upon hearing that Heidi’s Stud Farm was planning a casting call for around 20 “working guys” was that this was a place where I wouldn’t mind punching a time clock. I’ve toiled at jobs where my single status was an albatross; not only was I not promoted because I didn’t have a family to feed, but was actually, maddeningly, laid off once for the same reason.
I’d heard Fleiss planned to feature a potpourri of different molds of man, with a distinct type for every woman. Sort of the house-of-ill-repute version of the Backstreet Boys.
I’d request an application and note that women’s tastes vary wildly, and I’d appeal to cerebrally inclined ladies with a cowlick fetish. Women claim the first thing they look for in a man is a sense of humor, so while my beefcake brethren flexed, I’d impress the johnettes with an assortment of topical one-liners.
My biggest fear: that I’m alone in a room with a woman paying $250 an hour and she’ll still want to be just friends.
After my deluded self calmed and rational thought kicked in, I realized this red-light gig would be a big red flag on my resume. Besides, is this venture even likely to sail? There’s already a place for women desiring physical intimacy to go. It’s called “outdoors.” Drop by the mall, any supermarket, tractor pull, museum, seance, fast food drive-through, hospice, colonoscopy or wake, make eye contact a few times and presto! Without dropping a dime.
Allow me to give some unsolicited (no pun intended) advice to Ms. Fleiss: It’s a wonderful notion to stock the joint with males attractive to every woman, but you’re barking up the wrong tree. Women and men are different.
What might attract a female clientele is an assortment of men providing “practical pleasures.” The Painter Man, ready to slap a coat on her house. The Plumber Man, with plunger in hand to unclog her toilet. The Lawnmower Man, poised to cut her grass. The Couch Mover and the Honest Mechanic, who won’t take advantage of the fact she doesn’t know the difference between brake pads and brake rotors.
The only nudity in this bordello would be the butt cleavage on the plumber guy.
She’d have the option of spending quality time in a “fantasy den,” which consists of devouring calorie-free cake in a cranny decorated like an IKEA showroom, with wallpaper made of roses and gift certificates to day spas.
Other working men include the Doctor Who Doesn’t Keep Her Waiting, the Gay Male Shopping Buddy, the Excellent Listener and the Straight Man Who Likes Oprah. (Good luck filling that one.)
Let’s not forget the Wow, You’ve Lost Weight! Lad.
Throw in the I Do My Own Laundry Man and -- perhaps most sought-after -- the Look, New Shoes for You! Guy, and you’d be fulfilling women’s fantasies.
Trust me, Heidi, supply these services and your little stud farm will look like the mall parking lot the day before Christmas.
Brad Dickson can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.
