Moving? Don’t expect the kids to thank you

The parents decided to move for the usual reasons parents do: They wanted a house that was bigger and nicer, and they found one they could afford that seemed perfect for their sons, ages 8 and 9.

Each would have his own bedroom, they’d enjoy a family room, and be able to walk to the park where both already played sports. Their new home was less than two miles from their old neighborhood, and the boys would attend the same magnet school. The way the couple saw it, disruption would be minimal. They figured the kids would be thrilled.

Wrong. The boys were furious, and after the move to the Fairfax area, insisted that all they wanted was to go back. Soon a regular driving route to school had to be abandoned because it took them past the old house. And each time it came into view, strange cars in the driveway, the boys lowered the windows, stuck out their heads and bellowed “You can’t live there! It’s OUR house! We HATE you!”

We’re restless, rootless people. According to DataQuick, nearly 9,000 homes were sold in Los Angeles County in December alone; an annual survey done since 1985 by the California Assn. of Realtors has found that most homeowners statewide stay put only four to eight years.

Extended families are geographically scattered; kids play sports and attend private or magnet schools across the city. With moving so commonplace and regional ties seemingly fragile, adults who decide to change homes expect their kids to sail through the experience. Sometimes they do. But don’t count on it.

Over the years, moving has been a central trauma in any number of young adult movies, books and narratives for a reason. Kids hate it and no less today than ever.

There are two fixed extremes in the world of the kid move: A downwardly mobile crash, forced by economic catastrophe or divorce, is always traumatic and terrible; a longed-for upgrade, like leaving a cramped apartment for a house with space and a yard, is almost always great. Most moves fall in between.

Now, as always, kids hate those that require a major uprooting, especially if that means changing schools. “Major life events are stressors, even if they’re not ‘bad,’ ” says Lindsey Bergman, assistant clinical professor of child psychiatry at UCLA. “Moving and beginning a new school definitely counts as one of them.” The older the kid, the worse it seems to be.

“It was wrenching,” says Alison Kendall, whose family moved from Palo Alto to Santa Monica not quite two years ago, when her husband accepted a job at USC. “My daughter, who was 9, met new friends fairly easily, but it was a different story for my son, who was 13. Kids that age don’t pay attention to adults telling them to ‘be nice to the new kid,’ and suddenly he was without the gang he’d hung out and played soccer with and known since elementary school. He told us pretty much every day that we had ruined his life.”

But even a local move can be difficult. Children, as every parent knows, love nothing more than repetition and familiarity, and “home is the setting they equate with emotional security,” says Bergman. “Changing that setting can be especially rough on those who have trouble adapting to change in general. The child who gets upset if she has to take a bath before dinner instead of after will have to cope with a hundred little alterations in routine.”

When Wendy Sharpe and her family made a radical shift from an older, traditional two-story home near Koreatown to a ranch-style on three-quarters of an acre with horses, in Simi Valley several years ago, her 6- and 9-year-old daughters were delighted. It was Megan, then 8, who got upset.

More than the others, “she’s into structure,” Sharpe says. “The move was change and unfamiliar, and that’s something she doesn’t do well with.”

Leslie Spanier and her husband, Scott Wyant, moved to a home only a few blocks away in Culver City in late 1998, so they never expected their daughter, Molly, then 10, to have a problem. But she was devastated.

“It takes me a long time to get attached to something, but once I do, it’s hard to let go of it,” says Molly, now 16. “I moved into our old house when I was a baby, and I was comfortable there. I didn’t like the idea of someplace I’d have to get used to.”

Kids also are unlikely to embrace change if it entails moving into a fixer. They don’t see the endless “possibilities” contained in a weed-choked patio or lime-green bonus room; they only know they’ve been yanked from somewhere clean and cozy and dumped into an expensive wreck.

Kendall’s son’s outrage at being moved to Santa Monica “wasn’t helped by the fact that we’d bought a place that was in pretty poor condition and immediately started renovating. Not only did he have to leave his friends, but his new home was filled with dust and workmen, and for five months he had to share a bedroom with his sister.”

Youngsters have their own aesthetic preferences as well. Just because their parents decide a new place is “perfect,” doesn’t mean they’ll agree. “Even though the kids love living out here, they still say they liked our old house better and wish we could have moved it to this neighborhood,” Sharpe says of their ranch-style home.

“Neither of my kids minded the idea of moving, but my younger son absolutely hates the house we bought,” says the mother of two boys, 12 and 9, who left a Miracle Mile Spanish-style apartment for a small Midcity Craftsman two years ago. “He doesn’t like the architecture, or the outside, or the way it’s laid out. He doesn’t tantrum, and he’s not emotional but if you ask, he’ll gladly tell you how he feels. I feel terrible that he’s not happy here. I think people should be glad to come home.”

A kid’s resistance to moving or outright rejection of a new home can be crushing for parents who’ve invested enormous amounts of time and energy -- and, yes, money -- into an effort to provide them with a better life.

Before heading to escrow, “you might want to be aware of your expectations, and brace yourself for the fact that things might not turn out the way you’re hoping,” Bergman says .

Still, a balky kid isn’t reason to remain in the same home for life, and small, common-sense actions before and after the move can minimize problems and stave off rebellion.

If the new house means a new school, it’s best to move during the summer, or “arrange to have the child begin at the new school even before you move,” Bergman says.

Kids who thrive on the familiar will be helped by making some changes in routine while still in the old house, such as grocery shopping or doing errands in the new neighborhood. Though it’s often not possible, giving them a chance to hang out at the new place before the move helps. Younger kids can be taken to parks in the new area, Bergman adds. With luck, they may make a friend and have the chance for a play date before moving day.

When Russ and Nancy Belinsky of Santa Monica bought a new home all of eight blocks away, her children “were definitely upset,” says Nancy.

But the new house needed extensive remodeling, so for six months, the family lived in the old home, and the kids, 8 and 11, played and swam at the new. By the time they moved, Becky, the oldest, was so much at peace with the change that she left a “welcome” note to the baby who would be living in her room.

Parents also need to acknowledge that leaving a beloved home hurts and should consider having a private, family ceremony in which everyone can say goodbye. If friends are being left behind -- even if that just means they’ll be a 10-minute drive rather than a walk away -- “have a play date set before you move,” Bergman says.

And depending on the age of the kids involved, they can be brought into design decisions for creating an exciting new room -- or re-creating what was left behind. “We talked a lot about how we’d make Molly’s new room just like her old one,” says Spanier, who moved a few blocks in Culver City. “We gave her a camera, and she took two rolls of film of her old room, every inch of it.”

The good news is that just as kids eventually discover that the 100th viewing of “The Parent Trap” is just about enough and turn their obsessive need for sameness elsewhere, with time -- in some cases, a lot of time -- a hated new house eventually morphs into “home,” utterly safe, familiar, beloved.

“It took six months before I stopped hating the move,” remembers Molly, and even with the adoption of a dog, which wouldn’t have been possible in the old house, with its tiny yard, it was “a couple of years before I started liking it.”

On a visit to former neighbors not long ago, Molly went back to the place where she once lived and even got invited inside. “I’m glad we moved,” she says. “I don’t wish we hadn’t.” She pauses. “But I still love our old house.”

Carol Mithers can be reached at home@latimes.com.