E-mails from the edge
Hi sweetie,
How are you? Hope everything is OK down there at that big overbuilt state campus. Can you believe you’re a senior already? Any sign of a report card?
Miss you a lot. The hillsides here in L.A. are as green as I have ever seen them. Who ever would’ve figured Ireland would come to me.
Hi,
Who are you again? Seriously.
Hi sweetie,
This is your father. Remember me? I have William H. Macy’s face and Clint Eastwood’s neck. I used to diaper your little butt. When you were in the fifth grade I taught you how to fill out a lottery ticket, remember? Lots of dads, they don’t teach their kids the practical stuff.
Still, I bolt awake at least once a night worrying about how I’m going to pay for everything, including your last semester in college. If I can bolt awake 49 more times a night, I’ll never have to worry about sit-ups.
We live up here in L.A., a metropolis full of hope and good intentions. Lots of graffiti. An occasional shooting.
Any of that ring a bell?
Hi Dad,
Of course I remember you. When I was 5, you bought me a little pink bicycle with training wheels and tassels. When I was 7, you took me fishing. I got a hook stuck in my nose.
Hi sweetie,
I was wondering, do you still have that microwave we bought you freshman year? I think we’ll want that back. And that hot plate. We could always use another hot plate. For holidays and stuff.
Daddy,
I’m not sure how to tell you this. All the things you bought me freshman year were broken at parties. Everything. My computer is almost shot too. It’s soooooo ancient! I use it now mostly to warm Pop-Tarts in the disk drive.
When I get home, I’ll definitely need a laptop.
Hi sweetie,
Any chance you’ve heard from your dear mother? I haven’t seen her in days. The baby is hungry. The Girl Scout cookie form is due.
You know about your new baby brother, right? We call him Q-Tip. He’s 2 now.
Dad,
Mom’s right here, helping me with my marketing paper. I think she’s a little burned out, Daddy. She said she couldn’t take “the pervasive smell of diapers and fried chicken for one more day.” Those were her exact words. Then she started sobbing.
Hi sweetie,
We don’t even eat fried chicken.
Daddy,
That’s what makes her so frustrated.
Hi sweetie,
I can’t believe you’re going to be graduating in three more months. Have you had a chance to think about a job? From what I hear, the “real world” is really looking forward to your arrival. Any day now, the economy is expected to take a turn for the better. The president, for one, is very bullish.
Hi Daddy,
Um, a job?
Hi sweetie,
You know, work ... a job ... the thing I’ve been going off to each day for the past 25 years. Believe me, it’s very fulfilling. The workplace is something you shouldn’t miss.
Dear Dad,
I was thinking something part time at Starbucks for a while. Have you ever tasted their espresso roast? It’s unbelievable.
Hi sweetie,
Starbucks is good. Or Disney. Disney has been scouring the corporate world for someone exactly like you. Energetic. Creative. Defiant. Good with kids. Disney could probably use someone like you.
Hi Daddy,
Is this crazy or what? I was just thinking: law school.
Hi sweetie,
Um, did you say “law school”?
Dear Daddy,
Like, every time you get sued, I could give you a great big discount.
Hi sweetie,
Honestly, we don’t get sued that much.
Dear Dad,
Anyway, I can’t wait to graduate. Did you know I’m 21? Mostly, I like vodka drinks. Like Grandma!
Hey, Dad, we can drink together now! How great will that be? Seriously. You and me, drinking a toast to life!
Hi sweetie,
That would be the best.
Chris Erskine can be reached at chris.erskine @latimes.com.
