Technically, It Was a Geek Blast

Haven’t you always wondered what the technical Oscars are -- those awards they hand out weeks before then flash on for a few seconds during the telecast? Me neither. But it’s not as if I was getting invited to the real Oscars this year. And, unlike the real Oscars, the Scientific and Technical Awards come with a free dinner. Fish and steak.

I invited my friend, actress Lolly Ward, because she hasn’t been to the Oscars due to the fact that she’s never been nominated. This is mostly because she’s only been in one low-budget indie film. Though I think that’s a weak excuse. I think it’s because she hasn’t dug down deep inside herself and really given.

We went to the Ritz-Carlton Huntington Hotel in Pasadena on Feb. 12. I wore a tuxedo and Lolly wore something that required a complicated bra. When we arrived, a woman who worked for the academy asked us if we should wait in the long line or if “we were receiving an award.” I thought I was on to a big scoop about how the technical Oscars were fixed until I found out there are no nominees. Just winners.

I momentarily feared the lack of suspense would ruin the awards, until I realized I had no chance of understanding any of them anyway. The technical Oscars are given to the behind-the-scenes engineers who invent the stuff necessary to make big-budget movies. It’s like giving World Series rings to the people who make steroids.

I was seated at Table 1, right next to Arthur Widmer, who was getting an Award of Commendation for lifetime achievement. The academy had singled out his “significant contributions to the development of the Ultra Violet and the ‘bluescreen’ compositing processes.” I asked Widmer why they were finally recognizing his achievements. “It was a freak,” he said. “I became 90 and that made me special.”

It turned out Widmer had applied for an actual statuette. “The other two inventors are dead, and they won’t give posthumous awards, so they gave me this as a consolation prize,” he said of his plaque. I informed him that the plaque is as close to an Oscar as the academy gives out for such achievement. He replied, “Not close enough.”

In an effort to impress Lolly, I spent much of the rest of the evening trying to persuade Arthur to mention me in his acceptance speech, perhaps as the “tireless and constant inspiration behind the Ultra Violet compositing process.” But Arthur, being both wily and 90, pretended not to hear me.

After some truly impressive rope tricks from magician/comedian Mac King, host Scarlett Johansson started the ceremonies. By promising to show a clip during the big show of the host presenting the three tech categories that award actual statuettes, the Scientific and Technical Awards are able to land a hot young actress every year, such as past hosts Jennifer Garner, Selma Hayek, Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson and Renee Zellweger.

Attractive hosts are a real Scientific and Technical Awards crowd-pleaser. That’s because, as anyone who has ever watched the Sci-Fi Channel knows, there’s nothing that makes nerds feel more actuated than hot girls pronouncing complicated geek stuff. Within 10 minutes of walking on the stage, Johansson said: “The DNF001 was designed when single-suppression processing was in its early stage.” Several tables noticeably lifted.

After Arthur killed with a great speech about how, in his day, digital manipulation meant playing the clarinet, a woman working for the academy quietly handed me a piece of paper directing Lolly and me toward the after-party in Suite 1701.

Unlike the real Oscars, in which Vanity Fair and InStyle fight over guests, the academy throws the only post-tech party. And, though the stuffed potatoes and chicken wings were tempting, we were disappointed not to see winners such as Horst Burbulla or Takuo Miyagishima.

But Richard Edlund, the chairman of the Scientific and Technical Awards Committee, was a great host. He told us about doing the visual effects on the “Star Wars” movies and how he’s reading all the Penguin classics. “These are the ultra-nerds of Hollywood,” he explained of his guests.

“Look around you. Everyone is enjoying this,” he said. “It’s almost boring to go to the Oscars. It’s the same old schlep down the red carpet.”

I went to the Oscars a few years ago, and he’s right. It was a bunch of good-looking famous people and a whole lot of good-looking unfamous people desperately trying to talk to them.

All industry functions are the same: hot presenters, some form of rope tricks and boring speeches. And if I’m going to sit through that, I’d rather do it here with my own people, the ultra-nerds.