Child’s Play Is Fine, but Let’s Be Adults About It

I turned to ESPN the other day to catch the Freak Show.

Now I know what you’re thinking: Why would any one go out of their way to watch Around the (Screaming) Horn?

Like most of you, of course, I hang on Plaschke’s every word, but it’s a common mistake confusing the Freak Show with the Show That Reeks.

There’s no question the Freak Show stinks, but it’s entirely different from the Show That Reeks, or as some people call it, “Around the Horn,” which stars screaming sportswriters.

The Freak Show stars Michelle Wie.

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ESPN, WHICH modestly proclaims itself the “worldwide leader in sports television,” spent most of Friday afternoon offering hole-by-hole updates on how the 15-year-old kid was holding up in the PGA Tour’s John Deere Classic. Obviously, you have to exploit youngsters when you can, because darned if they don’t grow up, and there’s no guarantee they’ll be as interesting. Remember Ty Tryon? Didn’t think so.

“She gave us all a thrill on ESPN this Friday afternoon ... but failed to make golf history ... and [now] she will have to go to bed tonight wondering what might have been,” said ESPN’s Trey Wingo, just like all those executives from ABC, ESPN’s parent company, who were probably counting on doing gangbuster ratings Saturday and Sunday had the kid not let them down.

Meanwhile, on 1540, one of the local radio stations, host Dave Smith was asking Fred Roggin, “Is Michelle Wie hot?”

An uncomfortable Roggin tried to end the conversation before it went any further, telling Smith, “She’s a child,” but that didn’t stop Smith from delivering a series of double-entendres about how well she seems to be “developing.”

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WHAT’S THE big hurry here? Why do kids have to make like adults?

Hey, I know from personal credit card experience how much Coach purses cost. (You would think Dwyre would allow me to write them off on my expense account because I write about Miss Radio Personality, and she wouldn’t be caught dead in public without one.)

I suppose if Miss Radio Personality had any athletic ability and the chance to win some prize money or swing a Coach endorsement deal, we’d be better off financially. If Dwyre weren’t sports editor, we’d probably be better off financially.

But I like having a klutz for a daughter. I like the idea she has no particular talent separating her from the rest of the world, which, come to think of it, makes her eligible to replace Dwyre one day.

I’m pretty sure if she had any skill whatsoever when she was younger, I would’ve pushed her to make me look good and give me something to boast about. She fell on her face walking home from school one day, cut her forehead open and required stitches because she couldn’t put one foot in front of the other without almost killing herself. I wish I could tell folks she got the scar on her head falling off the balance beam while preparing for an Olympic bid.

I thought about having her walk a dog on Letterman in the hopes she would qualify for his Stupid Pet Tricks segment, but I’m pretty sure instead of her the dog would have to fall on its face to make it legit.

I have no idea why some parents are in such a hurry for their kids to grow up. I also know from personal experience once they grow up, they still don’t leave.

Some folks are beginning to wake up. The NBA wants to restrict the age of eligible players, the LPGA already does, and tennis has a history of winners and losers when it comes to putting a racket in a child’s hands. And yet every four years, youth be damned, most folks can’t wait to see the new crop of undernourished gymnasts feel the glare of big-time pressure.

It goes deeper than that too, with all the travel teams today and the accepted fact that a kid can’t get a college scholarship without specializing in a sport all year round.

I guess you could make a case that the cameras documenting Wie’s every shot and defeating 54 men, while interesting TV fare -- especially if preempting “Around the Horn” -- might be inspirational. But how do you get the kids out of the mall to watch, and is it a good thing to remind them they’re not as special as Wie?

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THE ARGUMENT, of course, is that Wie’s freaky talent sets her apart, thereby justifying her entree into the adult arena and ESPN’s disappointment when she “fails” to make history. How would you like everyone in the world to know you failed to make history at age 15?

Most of the stories about Wie include testimony from friends and family about the normal life she leads, thereby separating her from other athletic prodigies like Todd Marinovich and Jennifer Capriati. It’s one more permission slip to join the adults.

But if she were really normal, ESPN golf commentator Dottie Pepper said Friday on the air, then “at least finish high school before coming out on the LPGA Tour. It’s emotionally hard to be on the road, and [emotionally hard] to be a kid ...”

Emotionally difficult at times too, to be an adult -- just ask Dave Smith.

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BASEBALL’S DEFINITION of eternal optimism: inviting Hee-Seop Choi to participate in the home run-hitting contest before the All-Star game.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Robin Brown:

“Where we are different is that I would do the same thing as Kenny Rogers.... Who says there aren’t times in human interaction when physical contact isn’t necessary? I was told by my father there are three times when you are allowed to come to blows: when your family is threatened, your wife insulted, or your honor disparaged. I still hold to that. My father was a decorated Air Force pilot who flew in three wars. Who raised you?”

Someone apparently more grounded.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.