Witnesses and Lawyers Can Say the Darnedest Things in Court

Some of the greatest comics in the world, though they don’t know it, are folks testifying in court cases. As proof, I submit these actual exchanges, collected in the book “Disorder in the Court” by San Diego lawyer/writer Charles Sevilla.

Exhibit A:

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Exhibit B:

Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?

Witness: Thirty-eight or 35, I can’t remember which.

A: How long has he lived with you?

W: Forty-five years.

Exhibit C:

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

A: And why did that upset you?

W: My name is Susan.

In what key? Marc Mancini of L.A. noticed that one of Mexico’s tourist forms required the applicant to exercise his vocal cords (see accompanying).

Unclear on the Concept: “I didn’t know people lived in post office boxes,” said Lutz Moeckel of Garden Grove, at least not until he was described as an “occupant” of his (see accompanying).

Unclear on the Concept (Part II): In Maui, Deloris St. John of Laguna Niguel spotted what appeared to be a new type of banana (see accompanying).

Chew on this: Jules Zuckerman of Lancaster sent along an essay written a while ago by grade-schooler Jake Kiely, the son of Zuckerman’s hairstylist (see accompanying).

Jake, who took some ribbing for his spelling, has since learned the correct alphabetical ingredients for “filet mignon.”

Annals of strange police calls: The crime log of the Sun Post News in San Clemente carried this item:

“Avenida Del Mar, 100 block. Suspicious person/circumstances.

Manager of a hotel calls to report that a woman took the hotel dumpster and has started rolling it down the street.

The woman was detained and the dumpster returned to its proper location.”

miscelLAny: One last courtroom exchange from Sevilla’s “Disorder in the Court”:

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated.

Witness: By death.

A: And by whose death was it terminated?

(I think I’ll terminate the column right here.)

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.