You. He. Meant to be?
First Brad and Jennifer split. Now it’s Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards.
These shattered Hollywood marriages leave me sad and quite frustrated, mainly because I have Nick and Jessica in the office breakup pool.
So what can we learn from all this? First: I’m out 25 bones. Second: The time has come, girls, for you to assess your own current romance. Here’s a short quiz that will help you determine exactly where you stand with the (alleged) man of your dreams. Pencils ready!
1. It’s Saturday night. You’re:
A. Dancing.
B. Bowling.
C. Crying.
D. At Hooters.
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2. You’re at a party when an attractive man asks if you’re seeing someone. You:
A. Tilt your head like dogs do when you ask them an advanced algebra question.
B. Try to buy time with some inane response such as, “You mean, like another person?”
C. Laugh way too loud, while quickly sucking down the last of your third appletini.
D. Point in the general direction of your boyfriend and mouth the words, “I’m with Stupid.”
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3. What word best describes your mood when he calls?
A. Delighted.
B. Sad.
C. Shocked.
D. Please. You changed your number weeks ago.
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4. He’s not feeling well. You:
A. Ask if there’s anything you can do.
B. Pretend to care.
C. Hide the pain pills.
D. Pray it’s not contagious, but make an appointment for blood work. (You don’t know where he’s been.)
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5. Can’t prove it, but you have a sneaking suspicion he’s:
A. A-D-D
B. O-C-D
C. G-A-Y
D. B-R-O-K-E
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6. What best describes your last Valentine’s Day?
A. You received a card in March.
B. You didn’t realize they sold jewelry at Mervyn’s.
C. You spent the day with a loving, sexy, caring man who catered to your every whim and desire. Too bad your boyfriend was out of town.
D. Bowling.
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7. You suggest “couples therapy.” He:
A. Agrees, but only if the therapist is his “old college roommate Roy.”
B. Asks “Doesn’t that come on after ‘Super Nanny’?”
C. Feels “head shrinkers do the ‘devil’s work.’ ”
D. Responds, “Couples? Do I have to bring a date?”
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8. He last told you how pretty you look:
A. This morning
B. Last month
C. 1997
D. At gunpoint
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9. Your last overnight trip together:
A. Hawaii -- beachfront condo on Kauai
B. Catalina -- B&B; on a quiet side street
C. Commerce Casino
D. Men’s Central Jail
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10. He falls asleep while you’re talking to him. You:
A. Relieve his wallet of credit cards.
B. Quietly pack your belongings, leaving your keys on the counter.
C. Quickly grab the wheel before he drives you both off the road.
D. Cut off his airflow.
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Your score:
Mostly A’s: Break up? Are you kidding me? You’re doing better than most couples. Call a wedding planner.
Bs: C’mon, kids, you think relationships are all sunsets and daffodils? Make a little effort.
Cs: Trouble brewing. Good you held off on the “baby thing.”
Ds: You’re right. It’s so over. Get a dog. (Trust me, cats won’t understand.)
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Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.