The Mint Can Make a Pretty Penny

If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that we could use more money. Congress agrees and is actually doing something about it.

Unfortunately, it parses that sentence differently than you and I do. We think of it in terms of putting more money in our pockets -- as in passing tax cuts, lowering the price of gas and putting us on a political action committee’s payroll so we can work alongside congressional spouses and kids. But no, being politicians they view things very differently. Their idea of giving us more money is to issue new coins.

Just the other day, the House of Representatives (motto: “Where’s the house? Where’s the representation?”) overwhelmingly passed a bill to create a new $1 coin. This is just what we need, because the Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea coins have been so incredibly popular.

The new dollars, should the Senate and president go along with the plan, will feature the faces of past presidents. And it’s about time. For years we’ve had Washington, Lincoln, Grant and Roosevelt on our currency. Shouldn’t Millard Fillmore, Zachary Taylor and Grover Cleveland be given a chance? A chance for people to remember they were presidents, at least.

The idea for the series came about not because Congress wants to help educate us about our country’s history but rather because it’s a profit center. That’s right, the government makes money on commemorative-type coins. The state quarters series, which includes such inspired designs as Wisconsin’s cow’s head, wheel of cheese and ear of corn, has generated $5 billion for the Treasury. That’s a lot of quarters. This happens because it costs the United States Mint less than 5 cents to make each 25-cent piece it cranks out. Thus, if people hoard them in their sock drawer, hoping one day to retire by selling their collection on EBay alongside several million other misguided folks, the government makes a tidy profit.

Now, I don’t begrudge anyone making a profit, not even the U.S. Treasury, but when you figure most businesses are happy to earn 5% profit, it feels like we’re being overcharged. Presidents will have to be dead before getting their mug plastered on a silver dollar, which isn’t the case with leaders in other countries. Pope John Paul II was very much alive when the Vatican issued a series of euro coins with his image on them. Now that he’s dead, thousands of people have been lining up and even camping out trying to buy the remaining sets. Though it would be nice to think they want them as mementos of a beloved religious leader who has passed away, news reports say many are buying the coins with the expectation of selling the 23-euro sets for as much as 300 euros. Hey, if you can’t make a profit off a dead pontiff, who can you make it off of?

The problem with putting our leaders’ faces on coins is that it’s being done for the wrong reasons. It’s not to teach history or remind us that many of our presidents had facial hair that made them look like the homeless guy down the block, so we should be more compassionate. Neither is it for aesthetic reasons (see previous sentence). No, it’s to make money for the government. If they really want to pump up the Treasury by minting coins, they should put beautiful, famous people on them. You know, like Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt. They both made People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People” issue again this year, with Roberts adorning the issue’s cover a record-breaking third time. I don’t see George W. Bush on the list. I don’t see Bill Clinton either. In fact, I don’t see any politicians among the top 50.

Obviously, having beautiful stars on the cover sells magazines, so why wouldn’t it also sell coins? Think about it. Whom would you rather look at when you fished through the coins in your pocket so you can park on that public street without getting a ticket: Halle Berry or Richard Nixon? Jamie Foxx or Rutherford B. Hayes? And yes, Rutherford B. Hayes was a president. The 19th, to be exact. He won by one electoral vote, served only one term and didn’t do anything notable. Heck, he didn’t even do a good Ray Charles imitation.

So here’s my plan: The government bags the presidential coin idea and instead puts People’s “50 Most Beautiful People” on silver dollars, selling them for 50 cents each. People will buy more of them because they’re nice to look at and a bargain. Because they cost only about 8 cents to make, the government will earn a huge profit. The federal deficit goes bye-bye, taxes are lowered and the government has all the money it needs for education and Amtrak and to buy any oil-producing country we please.

I have to go, some guy named Greenspan is on the phone.