Perps, skells and stiffs: a user’s guide

THE price of gas may be rising at breakneck speed, but it’s still lower than the proliferating rate of police procedurals swarming TV this fall. The veteran “Law & Order” and “CSI” franchises, and dramas such as “Without a Trace,” “Cold Case” and “Crossing Jordan,” will soon be joined by new recruits, including CBS’ “Criminal Minds” and Fox’s “Killer Instinct.” You don’t have to be Jerry Bruckheimer to figure out that if you want to make it on TV, you write a procedural. Ready to try it? Here’s a 10-step formula for stepping onto the well-beaten path:

1. The ‘murder before the opening titles’ setup

Atmosphere must be established with either moody electronic music or throbbing techno -- violent crimes and murders are never underscored by Barry Manilow tunes or the caressing tones of Sarah McLachlan. Victims, who must be young and female, should be photogenic, work out regularly and be well dressed or, better yet, barely dressed.

2. The ‘What d’ya got’ scene

The star investigators must arrive at a crime scene walking at a regular pace or in slow motion. Dark trench coats are a must, and the stars should look properly stern and speak cryptically out of the sides of their mouths when asking officers at the scene, “Who’s the stiff?” Detectives should possess a background in comedy or philosophy: Nothing kicks off a murder investigation or leads into the first commercial like words of wisdom or a morbid one-liner such as, “Dinner really did cost him an arm and a leg.”

3. The back-at-headquarters scene

The differences between the investigators must be quickly demonstrated -- for instance, the veteran detective with the wife, kids and picket fence working with the rookie who launches into impressions of Popeye the Sailor Man when he makes a breakthrough. The captain must also give his or her team 24 hours to solve the case -- in other words, 45 minutes in TV time minus commercials.

4. The eating scene

Early in the investigation, detectives must have some kind of food -- preferably a hot dog from a park vendor or something else suitably nonnutritious (save those soy lattes for HBO!) that can be consumed on the run while discussing the case. But not all routine daily functions should be depicted. If a detective says, “Excuse me, I have to hit the head,” he should not be referring to using the restroom.

5. The ‘special guest star’ role

When a B- or C-list movie star winds up on a procedural and acts like an innocent party, it’s a pretty sure bet he or she will be the killer. Even fading stars have their pride, after all.

6. The ‘But this doesn’t fit’ scene

The coroner will always notice something a bit off-kilter about the corpse that will give the investigation new life. The more obscure the better. (“His second molar has a porcelain cap, which they did only in states on the Gulf Coast during the early 1960s.”)

7. The ‘No, we can’t’ scene

If the investigating team is coed, there should be a short exchange or a glance that makes it clear they are former lovers or desperately want to be lovers, but they understand they must now keep their clothes on in the interests of crime-solving.

8. The chase scene

At some point, the investigators and a suspect will just happen to see each other in a market or on the street. Several seconds will pass while the suspect contemplates whether he should run. The suspect must always run, resulting in knocked-over pedestrians and crashing cars.

9. The ‘twist’ scene

Whenever the detectives think they have the case solved, a detail must appear that makes it clear they’ve been on the wrong track all along. They must quickly hunt down the real killer, which will inevitably be the “special guest star” (see Step 5).

10. The ‘alone again naturally’ montage

Even though the detectives have once again solved another big case, their personal lives are still empty and lonely. They are shown alone at home feeding the cat, or walking aimlessly alone on a brightly lighted street.

Now is the time to cue the Barry Manilow.