Here’s mud in your eye, and on your skin

MANY times I consider the various words and phrases that will never cross my lips.

Like: “Let’s see the new Jimmy Fallon movie.”

Or: “Thanks for the invite, Oprah, but I promised my first interview to Tony Danza.”

And: “A day at a spa? Sure honey, I’d love to go.”

Well, two out of three.

A little background: Unlike some less cultured men, I’m not afraid to try new things in order to keep my blossoming romance both fresh and exciting. It’s really essential. Over the years, in fact, I have tried the following activities, based on previous girlfriends’ suggestions:

Ice skating.

Painting.

Ballroom dancing.

Showering.

So when my new flame mentioned the spa, I immediately

refused -- a fact that left the

attendant unfazed as she began my mind and body rejuvenation with a $70 credit card swipe. The price includes two “admissions” and a chance to see some otherwise wonderful people who should never leave their homes in a two-piece.

Not familiar with spas? Imagine a theme park, but instead

of rides, you find a variety of pools, spas and “treatments”

designed to soften your skin and make men really self-conscious. Sort of like shopping at Sephora.

But if used properly, the various spa attractions can also bring couples closer together -- physically and spiritually. Did I mention physically? Here’s your guide:

Sulfur bath

Broiling hot and smells like bad eggs -- two sensations I hadn’t experienced since moving out of my Mar Vista duplex. While my lovely companion slipped right in, I slowly lowered myself into this rancid liquid -- carefully eyeing a strange, raggedy pale substance floating nearby.

Authorities would later identify that substance as “my skin.”

Minutes later I began to appreciate the magic of the sulfur bath and gently allowed my screams to quietly fade into faint sobs. I left feeling tense, yet determined to give up omelets for the summer.

Recommended for couples who like to torture each other. Like my parents. Or Nick and Jessica.

Mud bath

OK, I passed on this one.

I don’t like to wallow around

in mud with a bunch of strange women unless I’m at the company Christmas party.

The mud, actually red clay, cleans your pores, removes dead skin cells and makes you look really silly. You’re supposed to keep it on for about 20 minutes, at which point, you can brush it off and wonder whether you’ll ever feel this dirty again without the aid of certain magazines or at least “The Howard Stern Show.”

Recommended for couples who wonder what the other person might look like after a particularly nasty tractor pull.

Lounge pool

Supposedly calm spa clients argue fiercely over which comfy blue float belongs to whom.

I hopped on one, stomach first, trying to wade out to the middle of the pool only to wind up face-to-feet with many people who would benefit from nail clippers.

Yes, I would have enjoyed the float pool more without the 100 or so other patrons, much like the feeling I get right before closing time at Hooters.

Recommended for couples who enjoy sneaking kisses in close proximity to other people’s toes.

The end result, gentlemen?

If you crave soft skin and mental anguish as much as I do, you can do a lot worse than a spa. Take advantage of the quiet, relaxing scenery to devise the best way

to seek revenge on the person who brought you there. But keep in mind: She’s only trying to help. And you need to appreciate it.

So how can you possibly return the favor? Treat her to a day of cigars, batting cages and motocross.

Then run her a nice hot bath. Hold the sulfur.

*

Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.