All you need is (real) love

BEATLES FANS were stunned to learn that Paul McCartney and his second wife are to divorce after only four years of marriage. The news was particularly surprising considering McCartney’s first marriage -- which ended after 29 years with his wife’s death from breast cancer -- was said to be one of the happiest in show business. In a statement, the divorcing couple said that the constant attention they received had made it “increasingly difficult to maintain a normal marriage.”

Of course, “normal marriage” has become a rather quaint term these days, especially in the entertainment world. Brad Pitt called his four-year marriage to Jennifer Aniston, which ended in infamous acrimony, a “total success.”

Celebrities aside, an even stronger sign that marital standards have changed is the evolution of the marital vow. Many couples are replacing the traditional promise “ ‘til death do us part” with vows such as “for as long as our love shall last” and “for as long as we continue to love each other.”

Clearly these couples are under no illusions about their odds in a nation with a 50% divorce rate. Yet such tepid nuptials also reflect modern understandings of the thing called love. National Geographic recently set out to answer whether love inevitably diminishes over time and, if so, why. Scientists have been attempting to shed light on where love might lie in the brain and the details of its chemical makeup. They report that love stimulates certain receptors in the brain that spread a neurotransmitter called dopamine, which, in the right proportions, creates the intense energy, pleasure and attention that define modern notions of love. Scientists theorize that being “in love” could result from changes in levels of serotonin, another neurotransmitter, in the blood.

The implicit conclusion? Although love almost inevitably fades over time, when it does, it’s not your fault. You can simply blame it on a “neurotransmitter malfunction.” Soon you may hear couples pledging to love one another “as long as our serotonin levels remain stable.”

Yet successful marriages are not rooted in feelings of pleasure linked to neurotransmitters in the brain. Indeed, love based solely on one’s pleasure in another is not love at all. True love moves beyond mere emotion, transforming itself into the kind of commitment that has staying power and the power to change lives. Aristotle said: “A woman and a man, if their mutual love depends merely on pleasure or self interest, will be tied to each other just as long as they remain a source of pleasure or profit for each other. The moment this comes to an end, the real reason for their love will also end.”

Despite modern misgivings about marriage, there are some hopeful signs. A recent survey of marriage by the National Fatherhood Initiative found Americans as enthusiastic as ever about the ties that bind. In a random sample of 1,503 adults, 98% wished to marry at some point, 94% said divorce was a “serious national problem” and 88% disagreed with the notion that “marriage is an old-fashioned and outmoded institution.”

Moreover, married people are happier, healthier and more financially secure than singles. A study by Ohio State University’s Center for Human Resource Research found that married couples’ net worth increases 4% each year “as a result of being married” and divorce “causes a decrease in wealth that is larger than just splitting a couple’s assets in half.” Americans do value their marriages; they’re just often bad at maintaining them.

But against all odds, people continue to try. After 33 years of marriage, I believe that all lasting unions have one thing in common: two people who look past themselves and, instead, fix their gaze on the dignity and value of the other person, as well as the value of marriage itself -- for couples, children and society as a whole. It is an acknowledgment, a celebration, of the truth that your spouse has a dignity given by God, who commands us foremost to love one another.

While musicians reflect on the ephemeral nature of romantic love, and scientists research its cerebral workings, the more important study is how love can be nurtured and developed into healthy and enduring marriages. And it’s worth it.