If Cupid doesn’t deliver, litigate

NEWS ITEM: Woman sues matchmaker for setting her up with total losers.

Verdict: Jury awards her $2 million.

Fallout: Jewish mothers everywhere begin shifting their assets into overseas bank accounts.

The story: A widowed, 60-year-old Pennsylvania social worker named Anne Majerik paid Beverly Hills matchmaker Orly “The Matchmaker” Hadida a whopping $125,000 to meet a “cultured gentleman” with an estate valued at “up to $20 million.” The only stipulation, apparently, was that the cultured gentleman could not be Tom Arnold. Majerik’s lawsuit claimed that none of the men Orly dug up actually rose to her high standards. That’s not shocking. You can meet a lot of wealthy men in this world, but who’s still looking for culture in Beverly Hills?

Now, I’m no Judge Joe Brown, but let’s take a look at the facts of this case. First -- you’ll notice that Majerik is a 60-year-old social worker. Such women realistically have zero chance getting super-rich old guys to look their way. For example, if she were in a burning building and Hugh Hefner walked in, she had best get herself to a smoke-free stairwell under her own power, and fast.

Why? Research shows the No. 1 reason older men prefer to be super rich is the ability to meet women who are super young.

If Majerik were, say, 22 and a lingerie model, she would have discovered that many a “cultured gentleman” would gladly pay $125,000 to meet her. In fact, I know two men who would actually pay more, but my dad just got married again and O.J. Simpson apparently has some legal problems.

According to a recent Times story, the lawsuit claims that Orly introduced Majerik to a string of mediocre men -- including a supposed “international banker” who turned out to be (gasp!) an “interpreter who worked in a bank.” Also, Orly’s alleged “wealthy and quite distinguished A-list film star” was, in fact, “Larry the Cable Guy.”

Listen to me, Anne Majerik of Erie, Pa.: Even though you came out ahead in court, you should have known better. First of all, you gave your money to a woman who, according to her website, has a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records as “the world’s priciest matchmaker.” That’s rarely a good sign. Ever heard of “getting an estimate”? It’s like taking your car to a mechanic with a sign out front reading, “You won’t pay less than $342 for us to spend five whole minutes fixing your ‘Check Engine’ light.” But I’m not here to talk about a certain dealership’s service department I visited two Thursdays ago -- you know who you are.

Anyway, that was your first mistake.

Mistake No. 2? Do you really want to buy your way into some weird Beverly Hills matchmaker pseudo-love affair? Quite honestly, nothing’s more crass than the thought of you throwing an eighth of a million dollars into this pursuit. Assuming you’re really looking for love, you don’t seem to know the first thing about it.

Do us all a favor: Take your $2 million and get some therapy.

I’m sure there are kindly, cultured middle-income gentlemen in Erie right now who would love nothing more than a chance to take you out. But I’m willing to bet, Ms. Majerik, that you have the same nasty, shallow attitude toward them that most of the billionaire men you’re dying to meet undoubtedly have toward you. That is to say: They’re not interested!

Now you know how it feels. On second thought, maybe you do belong in Beverly Hills.

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Howard Leff may be reached at weekend@latimes.com.