In Europe, Knowing the Power of ‘You’ Isn’t Just Grammar

In continental Europe it’s all about you. Or rather, tu. Or vous. Or u or jij. Or ty or vy.

Here, addressing a person in the singular or plural is more than just a question of grammar; it’s a social minefield. In France, it can be a matter of state. A misused vous can make you seem cold and snobbish. But use tu to an elder or a boss and you risk being accused of acting overly familiar, even insolent.

The rules are wavering a bit under the onslaught of the class-busting Internet, irreverent TV hosts, the influence of English and modernity’s generally more relaxed ways. But from Paris to St. Petersburg, Russia; Bologna, Italy, to Budapest, Hungary; and into the non-English-speaking New World beyond, using the wrong form of “you” can cause great offense -- a sort of verbal poke in the eye.

Simply put, European languages that break “you” down into several forms do so depending on whom the speaker is addressing. It is what linguists call a “T-V distinction,” distinguishing formal and informal ways of saying “you.”

In general, Europeans use the informal singular (tu in French and Italian, jij in Dutch, ty in Russian) when speaking to children, close family and friends, and a formal version (vous, u, vy) for everyone else, especially the elderly or people otherwise deserving of respect.

Sounds simple? Well, yes and no. Exceptions to the rules are endless.

The wife of French President Jacques Chirac, Bernadette, says she simply does not care for the informality of tu. So even after 50 years of marriage the couple address each other with the formal vous.

Conversely, tu can be used to be rude or menacing. In French, Robert de Niro’s “You talkin’ to me?” in the movie “Taxi Driver” only works with tu (“C’est a moi que tu parles?”) In fact, the informal “you” can be so offensive that when French police were battling rioters last fall, Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy tried to smooth feathers by ordering the officers to address individual protesters as “vous.”

In Russia, some police and military officers assert their authority by using the informal ty when making arrests or pulling over motorists. Such verbal manhandling can draw a rebuke: “Ne tyky” -- “Don’t call me ty.”

Some non-native Russian-speakers prefer the formal because they find its verb forms easier to conjugate, but that too can be a problem, because it can sound as though the speaker is distancing himself from whomever he is addressing.

Younger people in Spain don’t generally use the formal among themselves but they still use it with their elders or those who otherwise command their respect. “¿Como esta usted?” -- how are you? -- they will say, rather than the informal “¿Como estas?”

In Paris, Australian Katia Grimmer-Laversanne (she met her French husband over the Internet; they did their electronic courting in English) likes to let new acquaintances take the lead. If they leap straight in with tu, then she knows that it’s OK to be informal back.

“I prefer that they set the ground rules rather than me, because I have had so many embarrassing situations,” says the 26-year-old graphic designer. “In English, whether you’re speaking to your best friend or the prime minister of Australia, it really doesn’t matter how you say, ‘How are you?’ But living here, it’s a whole different ballgame.”

So should the situation ever arise, be sure to ask President Chirac, “Comment allez-vous?” and never “Tu va bien?”

By way of examples of when to tutoyer and when to vouvoyer -- or to address as tu and vous, respectively -- Grimmer-Laversanne recalled the first time she met her future in-laws. Her fiance’s father quietly asked her to address him as vous, whereas his wife said tu was fine for her.

Her boss presented another dilemma when he asked to be on first-name terms with the staff. But that, she said, would mean addressing him as tu. “We are all very hesitant. We have still not managed to tutoyer him.”

In professional and other contexts, vous can be useful in keeping a relationship at arm’s length. Psychiatrists may use vous lest the relationship with the patient get too close. Some reporters use vous to politicians they have known for years, just to preserve their objectivity.

But languages also change with the humans who speak them.

In Sweden, the formal ni has almost faded from everyday use in the space of two generations, replaced by du. A notable exception is the royal family; a Swedish reporter drew headlines last year for demanding that the palace let him use du when interviewing the royal children.

In Denmark, du has trumped De. Even Crown Prince Frederik doesn’t mind the informal address.

In Romania, one cellphone company addresses its customers as tu, the informal that has become widespread since the 1989 fall of communism, while another clings to the formal dumneavoastra.

In France, blogger Loic Le Meur says he has grown so accustomed to using tu in cyberspace that he struggles to use vous in the real world.

“I just can no longer stand, or I have great difficulty, saying monsieur and using vous. I find it creates too much distance and that creates difficulties,” Le Meur said in an interview.

It’s also a cool way of tweaking the Establishment. On French TV, interviewer Karl Zero has made a name for himself by addressing his interview subjects as tu, no matter how highly placed they are.

Some traditionalists bristle at such rule-flouting.

“There is a whole art to the use of vous and tu. They transmit a wealth of values,” said Marceau Dechamps, vice president of the Defense of the French Language organization.

Dispensing with the distinction, he said, would rob French speakers of that magic moment when they decide that someone they have long addressed as vous has become close enough to be worthy of a tu.

“It is the passage from acquaintance to love,” said Dechamps.

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Associated Press reporters in various European countries contributed to this report.