Picassos -- in bulk

DEAR COSTCO,

I read with dismay about a possibly fraudulent Picasso recently sold on your website. If this potential problem is limited to items purchased at the website, please disregard this note. But if items purchased at actual Costco outlets are prone to similar fakery, I have concerns, as I recently bought “Guernica” (SKU# 30392568-18) at your Van Nuys location.

This may be beside the point, but I didn’t really want “Guernica.” I’m a collector of comic art, and my array of original X-Men covers somehow saps the cheerfulness out of “Guernica.” So, you’re no doubt wondering, why did I buy it? Well, to make a boring story short, in advance of a small gathering at my home, I sent my assistant to Costco to buy anti-bacterial soap and a case of Cezannes. Unfortunately, my assistant thought I’d like “Guernica.” Can you believe it? She’s impulse-buying on my Costco card. Not only that, she forgot the soap and got three cases of Cezannes. But don’t worry, my agent likes fruit, so I’ll give him a few and I’ll figure out something to do with the rest.

Anyhow, back to “Guernica.” My assistant is a sweet kid, so I took the damn Picasso and inconspicuously hung it in my guest bedroom behind, and partially blocked by, Rodin’s “Thinker,” which I picked up at your Venice store about four years ago.

I should mention that I prefer the Venice location and specifically told my assistant to go to there for the soap, etc. But leave it to me to find the only personal assistant in L.A. who loves the Valley. Not that I have anything against the Van Nuys store. The parking is good. The checkout lines move. Its selection of Goyas is second only to the Santa Barbara store. It’s fine. Really.

Well, as long as I’m writing.... I did have a little problem with the Van Nuys store a while back. I stopped off there after work for 200 cans of Endust and a dozen Faberge eggs. Unfortunately, the cashier didn’t bother to check the condition of the eggs. I should have said something but I didn’t, so it’s partly my fault, and when I got home ... well, you can guess what happened. I didn’t even bother to return the eggs, opting instead to drop a note to the Faberge people, who were kind enough to send me a few coupons for Brut aftershave. So, if you want to reimburse me for the Faberge eggs, great. If not, no big deal.

However, if my “Guernica” turns out to be a cheap forgery, I will insist on returning it. Other than the appearance of Christiane Amanpour in the lower left-hand corner, the painting seems authentic, but you never know. So, in the event that I am compelled to return it, I would hope you would allow me the convenience of returning it at the Venice location. I don’t have to tell you what the traffic is like at the 405/101 split. Brand loyalty is a big thing with me, but the fact is I could easily go to Spain, return “Guernica” to the Sofia and, with the exchange rate, make a few bucks on the deal.

You undoubtedly know where this is headed. Yes, I will ask for cash back, not a store credit. I’m not unfamiliar with the tricks of the retail trade -- putting the customer service desk in the rear of the store, handing the customer a store credit and making it impossible for him to get to his car without walking through the Da Vinci aisle.

This whole charade is unnecessary. I’m a committed customer. I’m not going anywhere. So, if the “Guernica” comes up bogus, I hope we can settle our business with a minimum of fuss and move on.