The no-shame, no-Blaine guide to life after college

FINALLY, the big day is here. No, not the day they’re announcing the winner of the “Name Britney’s New Baby Without Using the Word ‘Trailer’ ” contest; it’s graduation day. You know, the culmination of 16 years of school -- actual mileage may vary -- and the reason Mom and Dad have been eating ramen noodles for dinner every night.

But before you head down the muddy road called reality, here are a few things they probably didn’t tell you.

First, follow your bliss. And no, that doesn’t mean you need to move to the same town as your drug connection. Following your bliss means finding something you’re passionate about. The average American will go through 10 jobs, so find something -- and trust me, it won’t be your major -- that you’ll enjoy doing 40 hours a week for four years before you chuck it and move to Bali. Don’t worry, 401(k)s are portable -- and can convert to rupiah.

Find a good role model, someone you can emulate -- and feel good about asking what “emulate” means just to make sure it’s not something your mother would disapprove of. David Blaine, for example, isn’t a good role model. Even though he’s rich and famous, in order to get there he had to be buried alive in a see-through coffin for a week, spend 61 hours inside a block of ice, fast for 44 days in a Plexiglas box and live for a week submerged in a fishbowl. Breathing, eating and peeing through tubes. There are easier ways.

Other bad role models include Robert Downey Jr., John Wayne Gacy and whoever came up with the Japanese ear-wax cleaner that has a built-in camera. Good role models include Mother Teresa, Bono (of U2, not Sonny and Cher fame) and Nick Lachey -- once he wised up and threw Jessica back into the sea with the chickens.

Don’t lie on your resume. If you got a bachelor’s degree in physical education, don’t say you’re a physician. If your dorm gave you the title “classiest resident,” don’t put down that you were “class president.” Remember, “resource” is a part of human resources; they have ways of finding out the truth.

If you have no shame, self-control or conscience, go ahead and lie. But start boning up on your backup career by standing in front of a mirror and asking, “What size Slurpee would you like with that Breakfast Bite?”

Now it’s time to go out into the real world. After all, you don’t want to be like Johnny Lechner, who’s been an undergrad at the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater for the last 12 years. He was all set to graduate -- now there’s a concept! -- with a liberal studies degree in education, communications, theater, health and women’s studies, when it dawned on him that something was missing from his academic life. (Aside from common sense and a swift kick in the pants.) It turns out that he’d never studied abroad, so he withdrew his application for graduation. This is a good example of what happens when you don’t have a bliss to follow, don’t have a good role model and don’t need to worry about lying on your resume.

Now go enjoy that graduation dinner. And please offer Mom and Dad your doggy bag. It will be a nice break from ramen noodles.