Who’d Surrender to This? I Give Up

I’m just a small-town yokel from Nebraska trying to make a go of it in a world moving too fast to keep up with. So, yeah, no apologies, I’m a salt-of-the-earth type, but that doesn’t mean I’m not interested in the “ultimate in guy-dom.”

It’s just that, where I come from, such a state of being refers to hitting a big tee shot on No. 1 with the next foursome watching.

But where I come from, they don’t have Montage Resort & Spa.

Here in the O.C., high on the bluffs in Laguna Beach overlooking the Pacific Ocean, we do have Montage. And their staff of professional hedonists has put together something called “Gentlemen’s Surrender,” a “spa marathon that offers the ultimate in guy-dom.”

I’d describe Surrender as a cornucopia of pleasure and self-discovery designed to transform mere men into super-creatures of mind, body and spiritual well-being. And it starts at only $6,000 for a four-day experience.

In Nebraska, Boys’ Night Out was as transforming as we got.

There is nothing willy-nilly about Surrender. A therapist and wellness expert meet with the gentleman and craft a program, depending on what level of guy-dom he wants to attain.

For example, this could happen to you:

Day 1 begins with “Oceanfront Chi Gong, gentle exercises with flowing motions, posture and breathing concentration to promote physical and mental well-being.” You could follow that with golf tips for body and mind and play 18 holes with a pro. Afterward, you’d head for the spa and alternate a warm Jacuzzi dip with a plunge into 57-degree water.

Most of my old gang wouldn’t survive that, but if you signed up for Surrender, you’re just getting started, Buster. You’d then move on to a massage, seaweed wrap and sunset walk on the beach “to focus on mind-body benefits of ocean air.”

After the most blissful night of sleep ever, you’re back the next morning with “oceanfront power yoga” to calm mind and body. Then, time for sunrise surfing or sea kayaking (with a private coach), followed by some cardio ramping. Later, you’d get a Neptune’s Clay body wrap “to release toxins and free radicals.”

Next up -- and I’m not making this up -- is the “Art of Shaving,” in which our gentleman gets “instruction in achieving the perfect shave based on skin and beard type, with customized shaving kit and products.” Day 2 concludes with wine and cheese at sunset with a sommelier.

Day 3 breaks with a Tai Chi session, followed by a vigorous workout and a facial. The day would wrap up with a difficult cycling session, followed by backstage passes to a jazz concert.

The Day 4 menu includes a sunrise bluffs hike, an outdoor painting session, a mustard and eucalyptus hydrotherapy session, a manicure and pedicure and then -- drum roll, please -- an evening cigar and cognac.

Spa director Julie Raistrick says Surrender began a couple of months ago. “The men are really excited about experiencing spa, experiencing relaxation and having therapy done,” she says.

When I say I don’t know any guys who would opt for a seaweed wrap, she politely chuckles and assures me there are men out there who would.

My friends could use transforming, but I don’t think I could still be pals with someone who’d made it through the full four days. He’d be such a paragon of evolved maleness that he’d drive me nuts.

So, let me state the obvious: I am not Surrender material. I see where the shaving instruction would be helpful, but I don’t want any of Neptune’s Clay freeing my radicals, if you get my drift.

Wait until the old gang hears about this. I’m trying to picture any of them signing up. The mere thought makes me chuckle. Those goofballs wouldn’t know a sommelier if they saw one.

Truth is, they’re more yokel than I am. Their idea of a world-class resort is one with a free salad bar.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana

.parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.