Life’s True Questions? Try All of the Below

At the moment, the California exit exam for high school seniors is back in play. If they can’t pass the exam, which tests math and English skills that should have been mastered by 10th grade, they don’t get a diploma. All those hours staring into space, wasted.

The idea is to make the sheepskin worth something and give us confidence that the youngsters are ready to contribute to society. Fine, but I’d feel better if 18-year-olds could ace the following test to prove they’re ready for adulthood:

1. How many hours a day should you watch TV?

A) 16

B) 19.5

C) 0

D) 3

2. In choosing a mate, you should:

A) Take other people’s advice

B) Rely on looks alone

C) Assume they have hidden flaws

D) Say goodbye to freedom

3. When voting for president, you should:

A) Take other people’s advice

B) Rely on looks alone

C) Not be a sucker

D) Consult a numerologist

4. If someone tailgates you on the freeway, you should

A) Slam on the brakes

B) Fire three shots

C) Accelerate to 90

D) Wave him around, with middle finger extended

5. Your 8-year-old asks where babies come from. You should:

A) Tell them it’s a mystery that no one has ever solved

B) Suggest they talk to their friends at school

C) Tell them to go clean their room

D) Explain it in the most technical language possible

6. You’re unhappy with your boss. You should:

A) Approach him/her and suggest ways he/she could improve their behavior

B) Go over his/her head and report your unhappiness to a superior

C) Take your problems home and make everyone else miserable

D) Join the club

7. When listening to CDs in an apartment with neighbors,

A) Pretend they’re not there

B) Assume they’re deaf

C) Crank it up so they can enjoy it

D) Buy some headphones

8. In solving personal disputes, violence is appropriate

A) Under no circumstances

B) Rarely

C) Roughly 75% of the time

D) Only when the other person is smaller than you

9. When at a sporting event, you should:

A) Get plastered on cheap beer before going

B) Wear the largest head ornament you can find

C) Chatter incessantly

D) Avoid spilling beer on other fans

10. When in-laws consistently ask to borrow money,

A) Remember that charity begins at home

B) Beat them to the punch

C) Tell them you have a terminal illness

D) File for divorce

11. Which is most crucial to achieving happiness?

A) Maintaining good health

B) A big-screen TV with high-definition

C) Taking advantage of unsuspecting friends

D) Perpetual ignorance

12. Which statement about talk radio is true?

A) In the long run, it’s good for you

B) The hosts are humble, intellectually honest pros

C) Two hosts are better than one

D) None of the above

13. Your 15-year-old son is devastated because he can’t get a date. You should:

A) Laugh

B) Go online and find him one

C) Ask if he’d like to join the circus

D) Gently tell him he comes from a long line of losers

14. You are the victim of identity theft. You should:

A) Pout

B) Get mad

C) Notify authorities

D) Let them have it

Answers: 1(d) 2(d) 3(c) 4(d) 5(a) 6(d) 7(d) 8(a) 9(d) 10(b) 11(b) 12(d) 13(b) 14(d)

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana.parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.