Smile, wave, shut mouth

I’M about ready to create a brave new political party that is nothing at all like the two existing parties that we are burdened with in America. I’m going to call it the Other.

While Alfred E. Newman is the symbol of the Republican Party and an addled jackass a symbol of the Democratic Party, the logo of the Other Party will be an image of Sen. John F. Kerry with his mouth taped shut.

It will serve to illustrate not only the mantra of the O.P., but also a reality upon which leaders of the new party will insist. Candidates will be allowed to appear before large crowds with their wives, children, puppies or parrots, smile, wave and not utter a damned word.

They will be forbidden to agree, disagree, nod or shake their heads. They will answer no questions and make no comments. Their wives and children will also be sworn to vows of silence while appearing in public. Their parrots will be limited to saying “Hello,” “Polly wants a cracker” and “Jesus loves me.”

The only exception will be during appearances at formal gatherings where those seeking office are expected to give a speech. One cannot simply stand before a microphone in silence for 30 minutes, so candidates will be trained by Hollywood experts to lip-sync a few happy words. Ad libbers will be severely punished.

Creation of an Other Party came to me while listening to the bewildering comments of the Democratic senator from Massachusetts to students at Pasadena City College.

What he appeared to be saying was the emotional equivalent of what a Catholic priest told me during my only trip to the confessional box. He said if I wasn’t a good boy and didn’t pray every night and attend Mass regularly, I would go to hell.

Kerry, as you may have heard, warned the students that if they didn’t work hard and get good grades, they might end up in Iraq. The implication, of course, was that only the dumbest kids in class would find themselves in the military fighting a war.

Later, in a classic example of Nixonian second-think, he said he was referring to President Bush and his policies in Iraq. Then he called the comment an unfinished joke, and then, citing his own military service in Vietnam, angrily blamed the Republicans for distorting what he had already distorted.

What made the senator’s bumbling significant was its timing. Just as the donkeys seemed to have the elephants on the run, Kerry steps in with his bold assertion that dumb kids go to hell, sort of. Not since Howard Dean rent the air with his primal scream has the party of the people managed to offer such an enduring oral example of its inadequacies.

Up until now, I have been a Democrat. That is not to say that I have always voted a straight ticket. I have stepped over the line when I felt that one candidate was, regardless of party, far superior to the other, a confession that could affect my standing as a black belt whining liberal.

My wife, the canny Cinelli, often refers to us not as liberals but as libervatives or maybe consiberals. But recent events have indicated that there is probably no hope of ever truly combining the chief elements of the two major parties into one glowing hybrid, which is where the Other Party comes in. Although it may employ some of the more desirable facets of the existing parties, it will never emulate them.

Candidates in the O.P., unlike the current crop, will be selected not for their ability to raise money, speak in vague terms, lie with a straight face or otherwise ape the lesser of two evils. Except when being followed by the electronic media, they will appear neither on television nor radio, and certainly never allow themselves to be interviewed. Smile. Wave. That’s it.

Listed for us to see, however, will be their IQs, their education and written comments on major issues. Their beliefs in God, Allah, Barbra Streisand or Ronald Reagan will be confined to churches, temples, cathedrals or quiet moments at home. Neither will their sexual preferences be made public. Those inclined to any form of bestiality will, of course, be weeded out beforehand.

So, if nothing else, we’ve got Kerry to thank for the possibility of an Other Party. Maybe Dean, who now leads the Democrats, will offer a scream of support for the old O.P. If it doesn’t work out, we all may end up in hell.

Al Martinez’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He can be reached at al.martinez@latimes.com.