It’ll take more than hate to avoid a birthday wish

I get some odd requests, most physically impossible to do, and no, I can’t go there yet.

Most begin the same way: “I hate Page 2 ... “

I recently got a request, though, that was a little different: “My father hates Page 2 ... “

Brian Wunderman went on to add, “but in typical father-son relationships -- I like your writing and generally agree with you. Hoping you can help me out with this ... “

Well, I don’t know many people who generally agree with Page 2, so if there is someone out there, of course I’m going to help.

“It’s about my father, Max Wunderman,” Brian said. “He enjoys watching European soccer.”

I used to think I had problems, but I’ve got to admit, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have someone so close to me who watches European soccer.

“He likes to go to Hollywood Park on Saturdays even though he knows the races are fixed and he enjoys deep-sea fishing but hates to eat fish,” Brian said, and every time you think you’ve got it bad, there’s always someone out there to remind you they’re worse off.

“He’s a Holocaust survivor,” Brian said. “He’s had 14 angioplasties, two heart bypasses, bleeding ulcers and has had a pacemaker put in. It’s a miracle he’s still alive. I don’t think God wants him yet.”

Come on, why would God want someone who hates Page 2?

“He’s been married to the same woman for 55 years. He’s retired, but he still comes to work every day to tell me what a lousy job I’m doing. That’s dad, and you know what, he’s really a good-hearted man, although it’s been surgically repaired several times ... and did I mention he doesn’t like Page 2? He reads it every day, but he just doesn’t get you.”

So how am I supposed to help?

“I want to give him something. I’d like to give him really good health, but that’s out of my hands. I gave him a grandson, Alex, and while Alex is borderline (special needs), he’s a sweet-loving son and my father’s favorite grandchild -- although I won’t tell the other kids. My dad just likes the underdog.

“My dad came to this country 51 years ago with a wife and child, not speaking the language and with only a few dollars in his pocket and through hard work has lived the American dream. He’s achieved great success, and as a result, there is almost nothing I can give him for his 77th birthday” today.

“But I think it would be funny if he picked up the paper, and with no warning, he just got a happy birthday from you on Page 2.”

Happy birthday, Max, from you old Page 2 hater you.

TODAY IS National Columnists Day, and I would suspect this day will pass without anyone sending flowers. Just imagine how hurt Plaschke is going to be.

BROADCASTER RALPH LAWLER, still waiting for a long overdue invite into the Hall of Fame for serving hard time as the Clippers’ announcer, once again provided the Clipper highlight of the night.

His FSN partner, Mike Smith, talking about Corey Maggette’s two-for-10 performance at one point against Phoenix, asked, “Who could have predicted this game for Corey Maggette?”

“Anyone who watched the first half against Sacramento,” said Lawler.

NBA INTEGRITY? After wishing out loud that Dallas Coach Avery Johnson had played the game (and his regulars) against the Warriors like Phoenix was doing against the Clippers, Lawler said, “how about giving Eric Piatkowski some time?” when the Suns re-inserted Steve Nash late into the game.

“I think it’s a disgrace to the integrity of the game,” Lawler added. “I hope the commissioner slaps someone’s hand; that shouldn’t be done.”

Good speech, but then the Clippers should’ve been hauled before the commissioner to explain why they tanked against Sacramento a few days ago.

“Oh me, oh my,” to steal a line from Lawler.

IF ONLY Joey Crawford had something personal against Baron Davis and one more Portland-Golden State game to referee.

THIS TIME with a chance to win the game in Phoenix, the Clippers did not bring in Daniel Ewing. If you’re a serious Clipper fan, you understand.

IN THE third quarter, Sam Cassell was boxing out Raja Bell, and sent Bell crashing to the floor. Bell immediately grabbed his right hamstring, and imagine trying to follow Kobe Bryant wherever he goes during the playoffs with a sore hamstring.

The Clippers, though, didn’t get the job done -- and doesn’t that sound familiar. Bell took a moment to gather himself, and then remained in the game.

WHO WILL have a better NBA career? UCLA’s Arron Afflalo or USC’s Nick Young? The guess here: Young.

WHO KNEW the Kings had two fans?

E-mailer Roy Nwaisser, reacting to Tuesday’s Page 2 report that the Kings were giving season-ticket holders puck autographed by backup goaltender Gary Edwards, who played almost 30 years ago, wrote: “I am a season-ticket holder and I would have been happy to get a puck signed by Gary Edwards. Maybe (e-mailer) Mike Foster has a lot more seniority than I do because I got a puck signed by ‘LA Kings Alumni Ian Turnbull.’ Yeah, I have no idea who he is either; fortunately the Kings were kind enough to include a letter explaining his magnificent contributions to the LA Kings. I quote: ‘Upon his arrival with the Kings duringthe 1981-82 season, Turnbull played most of the season with the parent club before being demoted to the New Haven Knight Hawks of the AHL ... ‘ At least Gary Edwards was a King for more than five minutes.”

AND FINALLY, while the Clippers have raised ticket prices for next season, good news -- it doesn’t appear as if fans will have to spend money on playoff tickets this year.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.