Just Keep in Mind That It’s Hard to Hustle a Hustler

For anyone who knows me, I’m a hustler, baby, that’s what I am. Though I’m still in the nascent stage of my writing career (read: one credit), I have worked in this industry long enough to knot that television writing jobs don’t fall from the sky. That is, unless you’re related to Les Moonves, Ken Olin or wrote for the Harvard Lampoon. I fall short on all three counts. And though I thought of changing my name to Shannon Olin-Moonves, I opted to pursue my writing dreams the old-fashioned way, by networking my butt off.

I meet. I greet. I write witty thank-you notes that all lead to...nothing. I get accepted into a network writing program, which happens to have the lowest job-placement rate. Foiled again. I bid adieu to a small agency and move on to a well-recognized management company. They have big-name clients, movies in production and shows on the air. I’m smitten. I get them. They get me. THIS. IS. IT.

Staffing season ’05 comes and goes without so much as one meeting. I’m sending e-mails pretty much every day, sometimes twice a day. “What about this show?” “Do you know this producer?” “I met this guy at a function. He didn’t hate me.” Ad nauseam. They want to get me a shirt that reads “No Shame.” But I don’t care.

Cut to staffing season ’06. Since my “GetStaffed or Die Tryin’” tactic of ’05 didn’t work, my new strategy is that of a kinder, gentler client. My job: Write spec. Their job: Get read. Set meeting. Once I get the meeting I will prove that I’m someone who isn’t annoying after the 10th hour in the writers’ room and--booyah!--I’ll get staffed. I decide to e-mail them once a week. And this is how it goes:

Week 1--Me: Could I get an update on where my material has been sent thus far? Thanks.

Managers whom I still like as friends: Mostly with execs right now, blah, blah, show runners filling upper-level needs, blah, blah, returning shows are limited.

Week 2--Me: Hi there. Just wanted to check in on the madness of the upfronts. Any chance of my getting read at Network XYZ? As usual they have the most shows that fit my sensibility.

Managers who should be doing more: (Sound of crickets.)

Week 3--Me: Good morning! Wanted to follow up with you...did anyone read me this time?

Managers whom I’m starting to hate: (More crickets.)

Week 4--Me: Hey guys! Have you fallen and you can’t get up? Should I send for help?

I ask if they know Producer X because I am confident she will read me. My managers’ response? Let’s just say they’re nothing if not consistent.

I haven’t actually picked up the phone to call, but seriously, there’s only so much humiliation one person can take. (And, apparently, writing this and keeping it to myself wasn’t good enough; I had to go and get it published.)

The irony is that this whole time I’ve been toying with moving out of Los Angeles to live among people who don’t care that it’s sweeps or staffing season. I start to wonder, “If I don’t call, how long will it be before I actually hear from my managers?”

“Hi, Shannon, could you meet with Junior Executive X?”

“Oh, I would love to, but since we last spoke I moved. I’ve been living in Oregon for five years now.”

And even more ironic, I have my underwhelming managers to thank for providing me with writing fodder. Otherwise, I would be jut another under-published writer living in L.A. I just hope they don’t ask for 10%.