A summer shut-in: Outdoors is overrated

I’VE got a confession -- nah, make that a declaration -- to make: I’m boycotting summer. Sticky, searing, overrated summer. Like many great revelations, this one came about through adversity. Last year a surgery rehab had me couch-bound through most of July and August. Far from being a drag, my “Rear Window”-esque experience turned out to be an oasis of learning, relaxing and peace -- a release from our culture’s mandate to run oneself ragged in the desperate pursuit of fun. Summer’s like three months of New Year’s Eves, and who needs that kind of pressure?

Two recent events have prompted me to go underground again. On May 1 the American Lung Assn. again named the Los Angeles metro area’s air as the country’s most polluted. No thanks; I’ll take my climate-controlled hovel. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I found myself at my local art house enraptured by “Into Great Silence,” a nearly three-hour documentary about a group of Carthusian monks who’ve devoted themselves to a life of cloistered solitude. Granted, the Carthusians adopt a “detach with love” attitude, while I’m more of a walk-away-with-raised-middle-finger kind of guy. Whatever: Come for the misanthropy, stay for the serenity.

But just because you’re enjoying a hiatus from fashion victims, melanomas and cellphones, there’s no reason to be a Luddite about it: In fact, technology may be the summer shut-in’s best friend. Stock up on delivery menus of all ethnic cuisines so that dinner’s just a speed-dial away. Groceries? Pharmaceuticals? Office supplies? The Internet is your friend.

Make your computer a culture lifeline. Take a remote yoga class (www.yogalearningcenter.com, for example), try an online museum tour (visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City without spending one red cent: www.metmuseum.org/works_of_art), enter a cyber chess tournament (www.chessmaniac.com). And then there are those indispensable CD and DVD rentals and purchases. You know, for the Ingmar Bergman festival you’ll mount. Mmmm ... the living room feels darker and colder already. How ‘bout Bjork on a loop? Brrr. Then there’s TV -- McLuhan’s glorious, relentless, “cool” medium. If you can’t find something on a 300-channel tuner to keep you engaged, you’re just not trying.

Of course, even misanthropes have, you know, needs. Should you reside with a significant other, I have two words for you: Kama Sutra. Otherwise, get clicking on those online personals. Surely there’s someone out there who’s equally blase about the balmy months. Hey, in L.A., such a hookup qualifies as the love that dare not speak its name. If that sounds a little too intimate.... Well, that’s why God invented porn.

Best of all, though, such a reverse hibernation is a perfect opportunity to make your would-be pipe dreams come true. Been wanting to tackle Proust since your wayward undergrad days? Long felt it’s high time you learned to play a musical instrument? How about writing that book you’ve sworn you have in you? Think about it: If you bang out as few as 500 words on each of the 98 days between Memorial and Labor Day, you’ll have a nearly 50,000-word tome to peddle to publishers and rub in your friends’ faces. Their creased, sun-charred faces.

See you in September!