Hooked on dating semantics
You think your current love interest is confused? What about your friends?
“Are you dating anyone?” I asked a friend I hadn’t seen in months over dinner.
“Um, no. There’s this guy, and we’ve hooked up a few times, but that’s it.”
“Oh. But . . . you’re not seeing anyone else?” I ask. She shakes her head no. “Then it would logically follow that you’re dating him, right?” My analytical mind is going into overdrive.
“No, I told you. We’re just hooking up. Hanging out. That sort of thing.”
I nod unconvincingly. I can’t bring myself to tell her that I have no idea what she means by “hooking up” and instead go back to attacking my veggie burger.
The following week I am catching up with another friend. After we’ve made small talk, she looks at me, a conspiratorial glint in her eye, and says she’s been hooking up with a guy.
I shrug my shoulders indifferently. She furrows her brow.
“Don’t you want to hear about it?”
“No. If you’re just hooking up, it’s nothing serious.”
Her jaw drops and she leans in to whisper.
“What are you talking about? I’ve slept with him! We’re inseparable!”
My face turns red and I ask why she didn’t say that in the first place.
“You don’t just come out and say that. It’s not that simple.”
Asking my friends about their relationships is like navigating my way through a linguistic labyrinth. To quote Paul Newman’s seminal character from “Cool Hand Luke,” it’s clear that “what we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.” The vast majority of Gen-Yers I know are stuck floundering around in a pool of gray when it comes to dating. Apart from hooking up, they’re hanging out, seeing someone, friends with benefits, living together, etc. The last time I heard of anyone “going steady” was when I read an “Archie” comic. Nobody goes steady anymore. In fact, I think it’s all rather unsteady.
Social networking site Facebook has also latched onto the trend. Users can set their relationship status to “It’s Complicated,” which basically includes all the territory not covered by “engaged” or “married.” No explanation required.
I don’t see this problem going away soon. I find this ironic, given the quantum leaps we’ve made in other areas of our lives. And though my friends aren’t exactly thrilled about just “seeing someone,” in most cases they’re too scared to ask for clarification. One girl recently confessed that she would never ask a guy if they had moved beyond the “casual dating” stage: “I’d be terrified he’d dump me. I’d rather be caught in limbo than have no one at all.”
As bad as these enigmatic phrases may be for the unsure boyfriend, I assure you they are far worse for his friends. There are countless tomes of literature devoted to the art of deciphering the opposite sex. Yet not one book has been published on how to comprehend the dating escapades of your amigos. I need to cart around a crib sheet in my purse each time I meet a friend for lunch. (Aaron seeing someone means casual dating, but Linda seeing someone means she’s almost at the altar. Do not mix up. Could cause disaster.)
Deep down, I think everyone wants to find that special someone (and before you argue, witness the plethora of online dating sites that crowd cyberspace). At the heart of it, we all want to feel loved. The difference nowadays is that no one wants to quantify it.
So I suggest: Stop beating around the bush. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Your significant other will thank you. But not as much as your friends.
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