I’m well, Doc? Can I quote you on that?
QUOTES from my various doctors in the week after another of a series of undiagnosed fainting spells:
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“You have hypoglycemia.”
“You don’t have hypoglycemia.”
“Yes, you do have hypoglycemia. See a nutritionist.”
“You don’t have hypoglycemia. A nutritionist is not necessary.”
“Your blood sugar registers on the low end of normal. The test is not always accurate. You may have hypoglycemia.”
“Carry candy or juice; eat it when you feel something abnormal.”
“Don’t eat candy or juice. It will make the symptoms more exaggerated.”
“Maybe it’s the Zelnorm.”
“It’s not the Zelnorm.”
“Maybe it’s the Zelnorm.”
“Maybe it’s cardiac issues. Wear an event monitor for the next 30 days.”
“It’s not cardiac, but wear the event monitor anyway.”
“Don’t see the endocrinologist that doesn’t return calls. Go to my guy.”
“You have to see Dr. B. (who never returns calls). He’s a smart guy.”
“Go to the guy that Dr. V. says even though he never returns calls. But see my guy too.”
“Your insurance doesn’t cover continuing care from two endocrinologists in two different offices.”
“Don’t go there. See my guy instead.”
“You can’t see that guy. Go to my guy.”
“Push the button on the event monitor as soon as you feel anything abnormal.”
“Take your blood sugar as soon as you feel anything abnormal.”
“Take my reading first.”
“Take my reading first.”
“Don’t faint before you get the reading.”
“Exercise, but moderately.”
“I don’t want you exercising.”
“If you don’t exercise, your joints are going to become more arthritic and you will have neurological issues.”
“Don’t exercise alone.”
“Don’t go to exercise class.”
“Go to exercise class. It’s better to move there than home alone.”
“You should exercise but the other guy says ‘no’ and I can’t cross him.”
“You’re gaining weight.”
“It may be neurological. But let’s wait and see.”
“It’s probably not neurological, but go see Dr. A.”
I asked Dr. R. if he thought I was going to spend a fortune on tests and still be undiagnosed. He replied, “I don’t want to answer that question.”
And from the dentist’s office:
“We forgot to call you, but . . . there is no dentist available to see you. But let’s take X-rays while you’re here.”
Later: “The backs of your gums are red and swollen. And we can see blackening around the roots in the X-rays too. It may be because of all the medicines you’re taking. You may have a severe infection. See the dentist ASAP.”
“The dentist cannot see you for two weeks, thank you. And by the way, your insurance says you don’t exist.”
And from the ambulance: “$850, please.”
And from the ER: “$5,000, please.”
And from the internist for follow-up visit No. 1: “$691, please.”
And from assorted other doctors: “We’ll send you the bill.”
And from the insurance company: “We’ll let you know in approximately 60 days.”
And from everyone: “It’s not pain. It’s pressure.”
Any questions?
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Laura Silverman is a writer and artist who lives in Tarzana.