Let guests know gifts are optional

Is it wrong to ask friends to spend when you know they’re scrimping? And what do you do with an influx of cash -- if you’re still getting unemployment checks?

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Dear Alana: My husband and I are about to have a baby. We are both employed as lawyers in Chicago and have -- for the time being -- steady jobs. I am from Flint, Mich., and my mother is planning on throwing me a baby shower there. But I feel guilty because many of my friends and family there work (or worked) in the auto industry and are struggling financially. Is it wrong to have a shower and if not, how can I tell people they don’t need to bring gifts?

Marie in Chicago

Dear Marie: I think you have good instincts here in feeling guilty. Some people might just waltz into town, show off their bling and their baby bump and demand gifts as if to say, “Hey, suckers, I made it in life!” I’m glad you’re not like that.

I think you still should have a shower, though. How else will your mom be able to show off you, your baby bump and your bling to family and friends, proving to those suckers that her darling daughter has made it in life?

There is, however, a graceful way to handle the shower without making your friends trade in their Camaros to buy the Diaper Genie II from your registry.

Linda Murray, editor in chief of parenting website Baby Center, recommends writing “gifts optional” on the invitations or Evite. Telling guests not to bring gifts at all will just confuse them, she said, especially if they’ve spent the long, cold Flint winter knitting your baby woolen underwear.

But there are other ways to let people know they don’t have to spend money on your shower. Murray suggests asking people to bring their favorite childhood book, because books make kids smart (though you probably already know this because you’re a successful lawyer). Or you could ask people to bring a piece of parenting advice for the mother-to-be, rather than a gift.

Don’t be too concerned if their advice scares you: You don’t have to institute corporal punishment or nurse your kid till he’s 7 just because someone tells you to at your shower.

Reporting income to state is the law

Dear Alana: I was laid off from a well-paying marketing job last year and, despite an active job search, I have not had any offers and have been collecting unemployment. Several consulting projects have surfaced -- $500 for one, $2,500 for another. Do I have to report this to the Employment Development Department [the state agency that administers unemployment benefits]? It’s not consistent nor does it replace my former paycheck.

Diana from Los Angeles

Dear Diana: This isn’t an etiquette question per se, because there’s actually a law on the books about it. But I’ll answer because I know it gets tempting at times to try to skirt the law -- not putting money in the meter, crossing the street when the flashing red hand tells you no, failing to report your extra wages.

According to EDD spokesman Kevin Callori, you are supposed to report any wages you get on a continued claim form, so that the EDD can take that amount and use it to calculate the amount of benefits you should receive.

Trust me, Diana, I can understand the appeal of sweeping your consulting jobs under the EDD’s metaphorical antebellum hoop skirt and keeping mum. You got laid off and now you can’t find a job, life’s not fair and we don’t even live in a time when you can wear hoop skirts. Sad.

But it’s a good idea to report the income in the long run -- you definitely don’t want to get in trouble with the law because then it will get even harder to find a job.

“If people are earning wages or money and they’re not reported, it can be an administrative or criminal penalty,” Callori said.

Laws are made for a reason, Diana: Without laws, we’d revert back to the wild, wild West and there would be tumbleweed rolling through our streets, shootouts down at the saloon and loose women stumbling about in bustiers.

Cheer up, Diana. It’s a good sign that you’ve been able to pick up consulting projects. Another job must be just around the corner.

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