Thanks a lot, L.A.

I’m thankful that because of advances in medicine, my unborn grandchildren should live to see the completion of the widening of the 405 Freeway.

I’m thankful that Los Angeles is still more business-friendly than the planet Jupiter, although that’s mainly because the surface of the latter is minus 235 degrees Fahrenheit.

I’m thankful that LAUSD canceled summer school because I firmly believe that after nine months students need a break from not learning anything.

I’m thankful that LAX is ranked the third-worst airport in the world because if there are two worse airports, it would seem to bolster theologians’ arguments for the existence of hell.

I’m thankful that the strip club near LAX with the “Nude, Nude, Nudes” sign is gone, although with the moral temperature of this city, one more “nude” and they’d probably still be in business.

I’m thankful that Manny Ramirez is a role model to Los Angeles youth, although I was disappointed that my nephew wants to ask Santa for fertility drugs.

I’m thankful that the Los Angeles Marathon was won in a record 2 hours, 8 minutes, which is faster than I’ve ever driven 26 miles in Los Angeles.

I’m thankful that Rep. Maxine Waters of Los Angeles is under investigation by the House Ethics Committee. Boy, it’s always the quiet ones.

I’m thankful that there’s a proposal to license costumed characters on Hollywood Boulevard, because when I ask friends what’s the city’s biggest problem, the answer I most often get is “unqualified Chewbaccas.”

I’m thankful to live in a place where I can legally smoke marijuana but can be busted for watering my lawn after 9 a.m.

I’m thankful that Los Angeles County has 37 farmers markets for every farmer.

I’m thankful that Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa regularly does one-on-one interviews with local TV reporters, or as he calls it, speed dating.

I’m thankful that the Los Angeles City Council passed a law limiting households to one rooster because this should end whispers that the council is out of touch with the major issues facing a modern metropolis.

I’m thankful that I no longer have the seat between Frank and Jamie McCourt at Dodgers games.

I’m thankful that departed Police Chief William Bratton made our streets somewhat safer, but I still consider his term a bust because he failed to confiscate Maria Shriver’s cellphone.

I’m thankful that my family experienced a couple of wonderful “staycations.” Instead of going to see Old Faithful, we simply stood on any Los Angeles street and waited five minutes for a water main to burst.

I’m thankful for celebrity baby bumps, or the Channel 9 news would be reduced to airing test patterns each night.

And finally, I’m thankful that Candy Spelling listed her house for $150 million, although that better include the drapes.

Brad Dickson is a former “Tonight Show” writer and coauthor of “Race You to the Fountain of Youth.”