The sting of her in-laws’ verbal abuse lingers

Dear Amy: I have been married for 30 years. I endured put-downs, slurs and nastiness from my husband’s parents for the entirety of our marriage -- with no help from my husband.

A year ago, my mother-in-law passed away and my father-in-law was placed in the dementia unit of a nursing home.

My problem is that I am still furious at how they treated me -- and terribly disappointed that the close relationship I always wanted with them never happened.

I tried and tried, but everything about me was dead wrong: my ethnicity, my weight, my education (I have a doctorate, and my husband has a high school diploma, so they called me “Miss Know-It-All”), my childbearing capacity, my hair color, my role as breadwinner (“never, never overshadow your husband”), my traveling for work and my willingness to express an opinion.

How can I let it all go, considering that my mother-in-law is dead and my father-in-law is completely impaired?

Wishing

Dear Wishing: Your toxic in-laws are gone, but their verbal abuse and put-downs will resonate through your life until you can accept that their reprehensible actions were their responsibility, their fault and an unfortunate reflection of their character and limitations.

It is in your power to let this go, and you must -- otherwise this abuse will live on and continue to eat away at you.

You must also deal with your husband.

His passivity (or refusal) to protect and advocate for you is an abandonment.

He might have been fearful -- or trapped in a relationship where he felt powerless. You two need to confront this aspect of your relationship.

This is exactly the sort of issue that a therapist could help you make sense of.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com.