Under a toddler’s tyranny

Dear Amy: I am concerned about my grandson’s lack of discipline.

The parents have opted for a “no-spank” approach to discipline, which I support.

However, what I see is essentially no discipline.

This child rules the roost, and the parents let him get away with almost anything.

They say “That’s not nice” and “You shouldn’t do that,” but I don’t see any consequence for wrong behavior. I’m pretty sure a 3-year-old doesn’t care whether something he does is “nice” or not.

We are separated by some distance, so I don’t feel that I’ve earned the right to gently rebuke the child for wrongdoing.

My husband and I have a hard time sitting and saying nothing in the midst of what is basically a child-run home.

However, my husband tells me to “button it” or we’ll damage what is for now a good relationship with our son and his wife.

I love this tyrannical child and his parents. I value your advice and will do as you say.

Wanting to Do Right

Dear Wanting: Three-year-olds are famously challenging. At times they act like the spawn of the devil.

If this child does something that affects you directly (knocks you with his toy hammer or calls you a “poopy head”), you say, “Brandon, I don’t like that. That hurts me. Let’s find something else for you to do that doesn’t hurt anybody.” Then you should redirect his attention by helping him to find another activity.

You should also catch the child being “good,” praising pro-social behavior when he exhibits it. Your assistance should be positive and helpful -- not geared toward punishing the child or his parents.

If the parents are flummoxed, talk to them about how they might alter their parenting style by offering boundaries and swift, simple, certain and predictable consequences.

I admire the work of pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton. Check out his book (co-written with Joshua D. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist): “Discipline: The Brazelton Way” (De Capo Press, 2003).

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.