Come to terms with dad issues

Dear Amy: I am a college student. Over the last five years, my relationship with my adoptive father has become very strained. We hardly talk to each other because of how verbally abusive he has been to me.

He is full of anger and will verbally assault anyone, including people on TV and the family cat.

As a fledgling Buddhist, I understand how bad it is to hold on to my sorrow and anger, yet all my efforts to discuss the matter with my father end in his curt response: “Get over it.”

Enter “Paul.” He is a 51-year-old man who has become very close friends with my boyfriend, who is 30.

The three of us spend increasing amounts of time together, away from my family.

Paul shares my passion for music and art. He is a great listener and has never raised his voice to me. Based on issues Paul has had with his own father, he presses me to forgive my own -- and he also jokes about how I’ve become his “daughter.” When I spend time with him, I find that I call him less by his name and more by “Dad.”

I have no idea how this all will turn out, but I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

Mixed-up Daughter

Dear Mixed-Up: You can have a relationship with anyone you choose, and if you want to call “Paul” “Dad,” and he doesn’t mind, go ahead. But substituting one adoptive father with another father figure won’t necessarily help you let go of your anger and hurt.

True letting go originates from your releasing anxiety and outrage. Confronting your father and attempting to discuss his behavior makes the letting-go process reliant on him -- and he doesn’t sound reliable or compliant.

One way to do this is for you to confront your own past, realize that you didn’t deserve your father’s abuse and understand that you may never receive his blessing. Forgiving your father for his flaws and limitations would be a bonus, and therapy (along with your spiritual practice) would help you.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to askamy@tribune.com.