Gram doesn’t like this silence

Dear Amy: More than 20 years ago, I divorced from my husband because of mental and physical abuse.

Our son is 40 and is happily married with two children.

I happily remarried and am now a widow.

My ex is now on his seventh wife.

I make the effort to say hello to him at large social gatherings. I can manage to be in his company in a larger group.

Recently my 13-year-old granddaughter had a birthday party (with only family attending) at a local restaurant. Because of the small group we would all sit at the same table.

I declined to go and asked my daughter-in-law if I should tell the truth as to why I did not attend -- if my grandchild asked. She did not want me to.

I don’t know what she was told about why I did not attend the dinner, but I’m wondering -- is my grandchild old enough to know the truth? I have never told her a lie and don’t want to start now. It bothers me, as I feel I am “protecting” an abuser.

I have not and do not want to discuss this with my son.

Wondering Gram

Dear Gram: You won’t discuss your abusive marriage with your son -- who is a grown man with an intimate stake in this -- and yet you would like to discuss this with your 13-year-old granddaughter?

I don’t think so.

Your granddaughter is never going to say, “So tell me about your marriage, Gram.”

And this is good -- because the details of your abusive marriage are none of her business.

Telling your story will put your grandchildren in a position of choosing between grandparents. It’s enough to say, “A very long time ago, your granddad and I had a rough divorce, and I don’t always feel comfortable being around him.” The time to disclose details is when the kids are older.

Living well is the best revenge. If you want to punish your ex-husband for what he did, call a lawyer. If you want to notify someone of how abusive he was, tell his next wife.

::

Dear Amy: My fiancé is constantly flirting with girls. I love him, but I am debating if he feels the same.

We are due to get married in two weeks. Permission to call it off? Should I let the flirting go? Should I say something?

I am so bewildered.

Confused Fiancee

Dear Confused: If you are so confused that you would ask my permission to call off your own wedding, then yes -- you have it. Be brave enough to have a conversation. If you can’t have a conversation, then you can’t have a marriage.

Questions to Amy Dickinson: askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.