Mazel tov, England. As your former suburb, we just want you to know how enchanted we are with what's happening over there right now between William and Catherine (a.k.a. Kate). We hear there'll be some sort of ceremony soon. The world will pause. Hearts will flutter. I'll eat a turtle dove -- extra fries. For a moment, the British Empire will shine once more.
And, through it all, America will have wedding envy. What's wedding envy? That's when someone has a bigger wedding than yours. And England is about to stage The Wedding of this very young and troubled century.
I get a hangover just drinking about it.
Look, the United States could do a royal wedding if we really wanted to. If America ever had a royal wedding, it would be produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Nicolas Cage would be the groom, Reese Witherspoon would be the bride, and just as it was beginning, she would pull a gun and accuse him of canoodling with her maid of honor, Jennifer Lopez.
This wedding would be the biggest reality show ever. Fox would pay $3 trillion for the broadcast rights. Ryan Seacrest would officiate.
Dearly beloved, we are Botoxed here today ?
If America had a royal wedding, there'd be royal wedding action figures in every Happy Meal, complete with Witherspoon's handgun. Dr. Phil would give the bride away. Bruckheimer would have the groomsmen drop from helicopters, like Navy SEALs. There'd be an F-18 flyover. And a ginormous explosion of some kind. Then a car chase. And a bus with a bomb on it.
If America had a royal wedding, the Colonel would cater, Loretta Lynn would sing and the cast of "Glee" would entertain. Just for the record, I love "Glee," and I'm not afraid to admit it. In that sense, I am a fraction British. Fortunately, there is now medication to treat that.
Here's a question, though: If America had a royal wedding, who would sponsor it? Probably Goodyear, because you'd need a nice blimp. Ford would get a chunk of the commercial time. Apple too.
Victoria's Secret would sponsor the honeymoon, of that we could be certain. Afterward, there'd probably be a scandalous sex tape. You could order it at Target.
Obviously, no one really wants to see Cage naked, so there would have to be a stand-in for him. Since Witherspoon is a little coy, Lindsay Lohan would step in to do her nude scenes.
Just don't let her anywhere near the crown jewels.
Look, if America had a royal wedding, it would be a best-of-seven wedding. The final vows would come during halftime of the Super Bowl. The wedding shower would be held at the Vegas Strip. The bachelor party would be held in hell.
If America had a royal wedding ? Hey, why doesn't America have big weddings anymore? The last I remember was when Lamar Odom married one of those Kar-crashian sisters -- who can even remember which one?
Before that, the last big wedding was when TriciaNixon wed David Eisenhower. No, wait, that's wrong. I think it was Julie Nixon marrying Mamie Eisenhower. Look, all we know for sure is that a Nixon wed an Eisenhower and that everyone fell asleep before the first commercial.
So, yes, maybe it's best that we Americans don't do a royal wedding. We'd probably just make a mockery of a very special moment. And we're so above that.
Here's the thing: I'm still a little frosted over what led up to the War of 1812. If you'll remember -- and you were probably working that night -- the Brits started pestering our sailors and seizing our land.
It's not over. On the morning of April 29, I say we attack Piccadilly Circus. It's the most American spot in London, full of traffic and honking horns and neon lights. There used to be a nice Ferrari Store there, too, which I think would be a good place to shop for a wedding gift -- for myself. For my wedding, all I really got were a bunch of cheese trays and heavy-handed slaps on the back from my sodden Irish uncles. "Good luck, sucker," they said. "Enjoy those cheese trays."
So, on April 29, I'm getting even for almost 30 years of marriage. I'm attacking Britain and stealing a Ferrari.
And maybe Kate Middleton too.