Hansen: Embracing the humanity of transgender children

At some point, we all need a sign to help us find our way.

On Monday night at the Community United Methodist Church in Huntington Beach, there was literally a sign, handwritten, pointing to a support group meeting for parents of transgender children.

It was not the kind of sign that one would expect to see at a church. But for the Rev. Ginny Wheeler, the fit should be natural.

“The church got involved because we look for where the world’s greatest need is,” she said. “The Christian church — the big church — really needs to grapple with the issues of sexuality and gender, but we don’t. I find that the parents and people who are struggling with the day-to-day issues need a safe place, and they need an ally. And I’m hoping the church can be that ally.”

The trans-parenting group — anywhere from eight to 12 parents, almost exclusively women, including grandmothers and aunts, some of whom drive more than an hour to attend from Los Angeles and Pasadena — has met about four times at the church.

All are at various stages in the process and struggling. Some have children who have socially transitioned. Others aren’t ready to accept their new reality. Still others don’t know how they feel or where to begin.

Transgender people do not identify with their birth gender. Often, they will know even as small children that something is different and start acting out.

On Monday, guest speaker Susan Landon, director of the child and adolescent program at the Los Angeles Gender Center, which offers counseling, spent about 90 minutes carefully explaining the history, definitions, statistics, behaviors, challenges, treatments and more.

A therapist for more than 30 years, Landon explained that when she first started focusing on transgender therapy 10 years ago, she had about three families. Now, more than 300 are in the program.

“There have been more and more children who are speaking up,” she said. “There are more trans teens who I think have carried this with them in their lives feeling different in some kind of way. That journey has been alone for many of them, and now they are beginning to feel freer to speak up.”

During introductions, as group members sat in a broad circle, several mothers could not contain their emotions while trying to tell their stories.

It’s clear that parents of transgender children have enormous, complex feelings that revolve around being protective and fearing for their child. The feelings can be compounded with grandparents who don’t understand what’s going on.

“I’m still getting used to it,” said one grandmother, sitting upright, trying to keep her composure. “It’s still difficult for me.”

Landon stood in the middle of the circle and immediately responded sympathetically. “Try to let the child know that you’re in their court,” she said.

Throughout the talk, Landon advocated acceptance and support above all.

“The most important thing is supportive families,” she said. “Do whatever you need to do to get there.”

Afterward, Landon said that what is happening in Orange County — and California to a large degree — is not common across the country. Parents here have unprecedented support networks, starting with public schools. With strong anti-bullying laws and rules governing everything from sports to bathroom use, transgender students are not the outcasts they once were.

However, that doesn’t mean everything is rosy.

“The suicide attempt rate for trans teens is about 43%, so that’s what we’re trying to avoid,” Landon said. “There are children who are banned from their homes, kicked out of their houses, told that they’re going to live in hell, etcetera. So it is not all by any means a pretty picture.”

For Landon, the goals continue to be awareness, education and helping families make the right choices for them.

“I encourage people to welcome this and celebrate it, but there are difficult decisions that are made by the child, by the parents, all the way through the journey,” she said. “And what we’re trying to do is normalize all that.

“The child is the same child. People grieve the loss, and I understand that. It’s a big change and the relationship does change, but we’re not talking about the person dying. We’re talking about the person being the most of themselves — more than they’ve ever been.”

Rev. Wheeler agrees that it’s time to embrace our humanity.

“We’re all unique, we’re all different, we’re all on a spectrum,” she said. “The church’s role is to remind them that they are loved just the way they are. We have to celebrate that.”

For more information about the group, visit cumchb.org.

DAVID HANSEN is a writer and Laguna Beach resident. He can be reached at hansen.dave@gmail.com.